and other junk that is in my head. i logged on tonight and saw that i started a
blog called "it's the end of the world as we know it" a year ago and got one line
into it and stopped. that's ironic. and funny. writing is so cathartic for me
that to have ignored it for so long is almost akin to self-mutilation.
the last blog i wrote and published was a joint endeavor for our kids. it's one with
which i am quite proud. i vaguely remember writing it, but thinking back to the time
frame, i am surprised i was able to complete.
i feel it necessary at this point to interject something. i write my blogs in
notepad. i choose not to capitalize properly, and although as a writer that is my
choice, bill gates' software will not let me be so non-conformist as to let me
override the autocorrect. (or at least not easily) so i choose the developer's
dream program that lets you do whatever you want however you want. i like that.
i also feel
it necessary to point out that every time i sit down to write, i put
music
on. today, my friend DS who has been my
friend for ten years, but with whomi've never spent a moment in his physical presence, sent me some music. this is
a common occurrence with DS. he is my music guru. he knows what i like, to what i
have yet to be exposed, and sometimes, he just likes to send me stuff to get my
reaction. today it's jazz. it's beautiful. it sounds like 70s porn music. LOL.
***back to
the point***
what is the point, exactly? i am not sure i know. there are times i outline my blogs
so that i stay on point. i sat with a pen and paper to do just that when i started
this. the paper is still blank. i don't know what i hope to accomplish with this.
i do know that i have to do some shoutouts, though.
when i started my online persona, it was never intended to be a public blog. i never
wanted anyone i know to read it. i enjoyed the idea that i could say whatever i
wanted and it would never be real to anyone. then i realized that there are things
i want to say to certain people that i am too chicken shit to actually say, so i
say it in the blog. that way, if they read it, we can talk about it. if they don't,
then the selfish woman in me gets to say, "well, i got it out, i feel better." it's
shitty, i know. but whatever...
the fact that i publish on my facebook page that this is out here, and the fact that
i love the reaction i get means i am not as developed emotionally as i want to be.
it means that i still crave attention. it means that there is some part of my life
that is unsatisfied. i fully admit to feeling that way. i am hoping that through
regular writing i can get past that silly girl and go back to being a grown up.
maybe not.
anyway. i would like to set the record straight for one of my new readers. SB.
oh SB. i have to go back 22 years to be in the same frame of mind i was when SB was
a part of my life. i don't remember how i met him, to be honest. in my memories, he
was just always there. i remember roaming the base with WR and always wanting to find
him. i remember he made me blush. he was the no-bull-shit kind of guy that spoke his
mind. i remember loving that. i know that he didn't care if we didn't show up one
day, or if we showed up at the bowling alley with other people. he was cool and to
me, it seemed as if we were gravy, but nothing that he couldn't live without.
i remember beginning to have feelings for SB. i remember that i wasn't going to
allow myself to have those feelings out of respect for WR. but i also remember being
a total bitch and letting those feelings build anyway. i owe WR so many apologies now
that i will spend the rest of my life trying to fix what a total shit i was. i
digress.
i remember that SB was kind and sweet. and i remember he loved music. based on his
recent posts, i see that is still there... i remember that every time we got together
there was always music playing. he references the juke box at the bowling alley in
his posts... that thing was always on. he mentioned the mix tapes he made me. i still
have them. i remember that when i went to his room, his stereo was always on, and
his music collection (of tapes back then) was extensive.
i remember being a shit to SB. i don't remember how our short relationship ended.
that is how much of a selfish sob i am. i remember being sad. i remember that he had
purchased some really cool posters for me during that time... and i held on to them
for years. but i don't remember how it ended. i remember seeing him years later, and
freaking out. i hate myself for not remembering. i am glad he is forgiving and still
kind. and i appreciate his musical posts, as they always take me back to the times
i do remember. and they were good memories. playing pool at the rec center, lots of
laughing. eating at the burger bar. i have to say it, SB, sorry... i can't listen
to Lady in Red by Chris DeBurg (sp) without thinking about him. and i can't smell
obsession cologne without remembering.
let me set the record straight: SB is an incredible man. i didn't deserve his
attention then, nor do i now. but i am very grateful.
***k, have to turn off the "love boat meets debbie does dallas" music***
quite appropriately, "catch" by the Cure comes on. this is as organic a transition
as i will get to broach this next subject. it also involves my past, and a
relationship i have screwed up. there's a theme here. and a huge reason why i haven't
written in a year. i am afraid of what will come out of my head if i let this start.
AB. damnit. i can't. but i will. the cursor was swearing at me.
as a sophomore in high school, i was outcast and awkward. i had spent the entirety of
my (sorry, gotta throw out the occasional lyric..."strange attraction"- very
appropriate)"smoking poetry" i love bob....
sorry.. i
spent the entirety of my freshman year in a relationship that set me on a
path where i
would spend the next three years trying to prove myself a smarter girl.so my sophomore year, i wore hippy skirts and tried to get into the cool group of which
AB was a part. i've written about it before. i didn't deserve to try to be friends
with him or his friends. i still don't. but boy did i try. SK gave me my first Cure
album. it was a copy on a tape (the tape was yellow, don't ask me why i remember that)
but i listened to it until it was too warped to listen to anymore.
life happened. the group graduated. we all lost touch. i say we, but really, i was
never a part, so i apologize for that. then a few years ago, AB was
on my heart so hard that i reached out. that started a frenzy of communications. a
rebuilding (not really, since there wasn't a foundation, really) of a friendship that
i so desperately wanted for so many years. i cherish that. i cherish him. i screwed
it up so much that all i get now are two word responses to my random messages. i get
it. i can't apologize enough. but i can cherish the time we spent together when he
made the effort to come see me. we listened to music, watched movies, talked, cried,
talked... and as much as i tried to be who he wanted, who i thought he needed, i
colossally failed. i will take that to the grave with me. i have alienated him, i
have alienated our mutual friends. i lost more than i ever thought i would. that
makes me sad. i wish him the best. i wish him safety and security, and the love of a
woman who will be everything he wants. i wish... well, shit. i just wish.
okay. i hope anyone who has been reading has given up by now. it's just going to be
a mess. i'm a mess.
pausing to
save the blog, get another beer, and some tissues.
right now, at this exact moment, TB is at his 20 year class reunion. (what is it with
me and Bs?) he went on a 27 hour drive on his own. i hoped it would be what he needed
in order to get his mind right. his words, not mine. i hope it's cleansing and
relaxing. but i am afraid. i am afraid that the girls he once loved are going to
rekindle something. that is the 14 year old in me. that's all i am going to say about
that.
okay, i'm
going to lighten up a little. geez, i am depressing myself just rereading
what i've
written.let's see... since last year, i've been with the new company that i blogged about. i
have a team that i supervise. i've never had that before. it's been a learning
experience, no doubt. i like to think i'm a good supervisor. i don't know. you'd have
to ask them. i think i've made a difference in my year at this company.
***ADD moment... the av's just signed McGinn again!!! whoo hooo!***
i love my job. it's challenging and frustrating. the hardest thing i find is actually
finishing something. there are so many little projects that i have my hands in, and
each is just as important as the next. but i don't feel like i've brought any to a
clean and tidy conclusion. i know it's not all my fault, but i'd like to be able to
say, "that's done" just once.
TB and i have been through a tough year. he got a job with my company, and then because
of the threat of me, they fired him. that sucks. he's not taken it well. i feel
wholly and completely responsible for his losing his job. i took a stance against the
VP and he ended up losing his job, but took TB with him as a final fuck you to me.
there is nothing i can do about it now.
random thought 800... i didn't make it to AN's wedding this summer. i wanted to. i
couldn't afford the trip. and she didn't want TB to come (for reasons i totally
understand) and that hurt my feelings. (reference the line at the beginning where i
said that i use my blogs to say things i'm too chicken shit to say out loud) but
that's not why i didn't go. i am financially a wreck. i've been trying to get on my
feet for four years now, and i get one step ahead and then have unexpected auto
problems, a reunion for him to attend... anyway. i hate that i missed it, and we
haven't spoken since, so it's probably another relationship i will spend years trying
to repair.
i am really getting nowhere with this. i will publish. i will write again tomorrow.
ugh. i don't
feel any better.
