when i look at you
i try to go back
to before the trust was gone
before the broken heart
before the anger in your eyes
when i look at you
i try to see
what you told me you'd do
what you said you'd stop
what you told me i didn't have to worry about
when i look at you
i try to look with new eyes
the eyes that used to see forever
that used to see us old together
that never doubted you
but when i look at you
your eyes don't meet mine
you kiss me on the forehead
and tell me to relax
and keep breaking my heart
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
random poem
i wish you could give me your eyes
for just one day
to see me the way you do
perhaps then i'd see the darkness that surrounds me
the reason you can't look at me
the reason you are unsettled
the reason you are leaving
i wish you could give me your eyes
for just one day
to see you and understand
what it is that i am missing
what it is you are wanting
what it is you can't live without
i wish you could give me your eyes
for just one day
to see her for the first time
and understand the attraction
and understand the passion
and understand the desire
i wish you could give me your eyes
the way i've given you my heart
only then, you wouldn't get them back
for just one day
to see me the way you do
perhaps then i'd see the darkness that surrounds me
the reason you can't look at me
the reason you are unsettled
the reason you are leaving
i wish you could give me your eyes
for just one day
to see you and understand
what it is that i am missing
what it is you are wanting
what it is you can't live without
i wish you could give me your eyes
for just one day
to see her for the first time
and understand the attraction
and understand the passion
and understand the desire
i wish you could give me your eyes
the way i've given you my heart
only then, you wouldn't get them back
Sunday, August 15, 2010
the willow grove
there is a stretch of i-25 i drive every day that sits at the base of the mountains. it is in this stretch that there is a grove of trees at the edge of a grazing meadow. every morning, there are two horses standing so close together that at first glance they look like one animal. the other morning, when i drove past them, the steam from their backs rose in the gorgeous morning sunlight and i caught my breath.
i can't remember which of the species of animals mates for life, but something about these horses, and the way they stand together so close, her head resting on his neck, makes me believe they have been together for life. who cares if it's not the truth... it makes that part of my drive that much better. i try to imagine what it would be like to be in that position. where i know i have the same person to turn to every night, with whom, no matter what, i get to share the shade of the willow tree.
contrast this with the articles this week (and alternately on the news websites when other news is slow) that tell us studies have shown humans aren't made to be monogamous. how asking us to be with one person forever is like asking the leopard to change his spots... how we were designed to have many partners, with no commitment.. i don't like to hear that...so you can see that after i drive past the willow grove with a dreamy smile on my face, i then get the wrinkle in my brow as i try to justify why i wish i had that monogamy, when it appears to go against the natural way of my species. at this age, any wrinkle in my brow tends to take up residence, so i'd like to get my thoughts out there, (brow wrinkling while i type), so that i can just drive the remaining commute with just the dreamy smile...
i've been married twice. i've been in love a handful of times. i have several men to whom i could have been betrothed at any given time. i am currently in a relationship with someone i have loved since i was 4 years old. when we first got together, i had it in my head that it was going to be this mythical fairy tale "forever" thing... i've since come down from that high, and am living day to day, just thankful he is still the one with whom i am waking up. do i wish it was going to be for the rest of my life? OF COURSE. do i want to make it legal and get a ring? nope. do i hope that this man, the man who has given me peace and security, chooses to stay with me until my soul embarks (deathcab for cutie reference)? yes. will he? i don't know.
all i know is that on these crisp cool mornings, as i wake in his arms, i imagine us as standing together in the willow grove, with steam rising off our backs, my head resting on his neck. and i imagine us like this forever...
i can't remember which of the species of animals mates for life, but something about these horses, and the way they stand together so close, her head resting on his neck, makes me believe they have been together for life. who cares if it's not the truth... it makes that part of my drive that much better. i try to imagine what it would be like to be in that position. where i know i have the same person to turn to every night, with whom, no matter what, i get to share the shade of the willow tree.
contrast this with the articles this week (and alternately on the news websites when other news is slow) that tell us studies have shown humans aren't made to be monogamous. how asking us to be with one person forever is like asking the leopard to change his spots... how we were designed to have many partners, with no commitment.. i don't like to hear that...so you can see that after i drive past the willow grove with a dreamy smile on my face, i then get the wrinkle in my brow as i try to justify why i wish i had that monogamy, when it appears to go against the natural way of my species. at this age, any wrinkle in my brow tends to take up residence, so i'd like to get my thoughts out there, (brow wrinkling while i type), so that i can just drive the remaining commute with just the dreamy smile...
i've been married twice. i've been in love a handful of times. i have several men to whom i could have been betrothed at any given time. i am currently in a relationship with someone i have loved since i was 4 years old. when we first got together, i had it in my head that it was going to be this mythical fairy tale "forever" thing... i've since come down from that high, and am living day to day, just thankful he is still the one with whom i am waking up. do i wish it was going to be for the rest of my life? OF COURSE. do i want to make it legal and get a ring? nope. do i hope that this man, the man who has given me peace and security, chooses to stay with me until my soul embarks (deathcab for cutie reference)? yes. will he? i don't know.
all i know is that on these crisp cool mornings, as i wake in his arms, i imagine us as standing together in the willow grove, with steam rising off our backs, my head resting on his neck. and i imagine us like this forever...
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Titty Twister (it's a movie reference!!!)
"from dusk till dawn" - that's the place in the movie where everything gets twisted 180 degrees from where you expect. i'll come back to that.
the reference to twists actually began in my head a few days ago. i read "eat, pray, love" and found the way the author incorporated the various religions into her own spiritual journey to be very inspiring. i will give a little history:
i grew up in a methodist/protestant home. the military chapels were very full of political correctness and not so much, *i* felt, on the whole "build a relationship" side of religion. i found that to be offensive, actually. my apologies if i've already offended. but my life has always been grounded in the Chr-stian faith. when esk died, i got angry with G-d. very angry. shortly after (or maybe it was before... i didn't find out till years later, when i was searching for him to invite him to the reunion) that, bh took his own life, and hearing that made me even more angry. at the time, i was married to my first husband. i married him straight out of high school, and we have a beautiful daughter. he was not religious, nor did he support me going to church OR questioning my faith. it was very *ugh* for me to struggle like i did with trying to find answers. i did, finally, with the help of my former neighbor and friend, KB. she and her family invited me to go to a progressive church in roseville, ca. i came back to G-d at that time. i would weep (yes, literally weep) during worship, and took notes and wrote down every little jewel i heard. i went home and tried to talk to hubby #1 about it. eventually, his answer was "i don't know you, i don't want to be married to you anymore." gee, thanks! i am not angry, bitter, regretful, or anything really... it just sucked. but i decided to leave with a support network in place. turns out the church in roseville had a sister church in rockville, md. LOL i *JUST* figured out the irony there! LOL
so for the next 5 healing years, i attended the church in maryland. got "fed," got to "feed" (went on a great mission trip to st. vincent and the grenedines...) and grew in my faith. then there was the wallet incident, followed by the eric incident, followed by some bad feelings, and i stopped going. i miss it, though. and i didn't take my name off the email list, so i get to stay connected that way. anyway... i am going way around my ass to get to my elbow...
during the maryland years, i had the wonderful opportunity to join some fellow fabulousos on a trip to India. what i experienced there, with my open minded nature, has shaped me into the spiritual person i am today. i visited temples, watched ceremonies, witnessed a post-sacrifice, and got to see how faith in another world works. keep in mind (LOL, like you knew) that at that same time, i was working for the greatest firm in the world. a jewish firm whose president inspired me more than i've ever been able to tell him. i learned so much from everyone there. i gained a great respect for how their faith works.
throw into the mix my year at a baptist college, my 2nd marriage to a faith-vampire, and you get to last week...
i finished the book, and got to thinking about the beads. the 109 beads. and i've also been thinking about the reasons behind the buddhist prayer flags. and the rosary. and the book that EP carries and prays from... i got to thinking about what i'd want a constant, physical reminder to remember... so, in my ocd-control-freak-kinda-creative-but-a-little-over-the-top way, i've started a list. much like the book, i've decided to divide it into three sections: 36 things for which i am thankful. 36 things i'd like to accomplish in life. and 36 things i'd like to remember on a daily basis... obviously, some of these things would overlap. but back to the hyphenated description of myself, i have rules. i can't duplicate. wait, you say... even i can't do much mental math, there is one more bead/flag/reminder.... at this exact moment in time, i don't know what that bead/list item/flag will mean just yet. i am hoping it comes to me during this exercise... i imagine this will take me more than this blog, but who knows? maybe i'll get on a roll...
so here goes.
36 things for which i am thankful. (and i don't think these are in any particular order... that would take too much brain power...)
1. i am thankful i get to wake up in the morning and experience a new day
2. i am thankful i have full use of my eyes, my ears, my sense of touch, my sense of taste, and my sense of smell
3. i am thankful i have a home in which to wake up
4. i am thankful i have a job to which i go
5. i am thankful i have a working car
6. i am thankful i live in a safe neighborhood
7. i am thankful i have food to eat
8. i am thankful i have my best friend in the whole world with whom i get to wake up
9. i am thankful i have my daughters under the same roof
10. i am thankful i get the joy of having two other of trav's kids stay a couple nights a week
11. i am thankful i do not have to live in fear of leaving the house
12. i am thankful i have the freedom to choose NOT to leave the house
13. i am thankful for the technology with which i can communicate with my friends and family
14. i am thankful for my parents and my siblings
15. i am thankful my family has weathered many storms, but can still communicate
16. i am thankful my friends, who i neglect, will still pick up the phone when i call
17. i am thankful for the opportunities i had as a child
18. i am thankful for the lessons i've learned and the mistakes i've made (oooh, that was weird to write...)
19. i am thankful that even though i have had a lot of cool experiences, and been through storms, i can turn on a movie, and be moved to tears: that translates to i'm thankful my heart has never been completely broken
20. i am thankful for the tears i can shed with travis, as silly as they seem looking back: that translates to i'm thankful i have someone with whom i can be myself (regardless of how obnoxious, emotional, or just stupid i am being)
21. i am thankful G-d sees fit to bring the sun up in the morning and i get to experience it rising above the most beautiful mountains this side of india
22. i am thankful i have a tendency to forget bad things that have happened to me over the years
23. i am thankful i have anne to turn to when i do remember
24. i am thankful i am healthy
25. i am thankful my kids are healthy
26. i am thankful i still have the ability to make new friends
27. i am thankful i am still naive enough to believe everyone is basically good
28. i am thankful G-d puts people in my life who i might not ever put there myself
29. i am thankful i am forgiven for all the stupid things i've done
30. i am thankful i get the opportunity to watch my girls experience things with the same wide-eyed enthusiasm i had when i experienced those things for the first time
31. i am thankful i have a sense of humor, and that most people get it
32. i am thankful i have grown up with the desire to try new things, and see the joy in the mundane
33. i am thankful my parents had the foresight to let me make my own mistakes, over and over and over
34. i am thankful i had the freedom to read the book that inspired this blog: this translates to i'm thankful i have the freedoms provided to me just because i am an american
35. i am thankful i have learned to appreciate arts and music and literature and other people
36. i am thankful i was given the opportunity to pass on my knowledge and experiences to someone(s) who will indeed make the world a better place
36 things i want to accomplish in life
1. i want to walk hand in hand with travis on a white sand beach
2. i want to learn to play guitar
3. i want to go to mexico with anne
4. i want to see each of my friends again, with time to sit and really talk
5. i want to reconnect with my grandmother and the rest of the new york family
6. i want to reconnect with eric's parents and their friends/my friends, from whom i feel very estranged
7. i want to have jason take my picture again
8. i want to meet owen wilson (this is MY list... but this even breaks my rule, unless you know the story)
9. i want to go skydiving
10. i want to go to africa
11. i want to meet someone for whom something i said or did made a difference
12. i want to be out of debt
13. i want to visit my parents often
14. i want to learn not to take things for granted (like living with my parents for 7 years as an adult-ish)
15. i want to learn a foreign language
16. i want to teach my girls to love life, and kick that off by traveling back to the uk
17. i want to write a book worthy of reading
18. i want to see bangkok and calgary, preferably with travis (deathcab for cutie reference)
19. i want to give back to the people who made a difference in my life
20. i want to have the opportunity to tell certain people how much they mean to me
21. i want to apologize to some people for stuff i did
22. i want to quit smoking
23. i want to look in the mirror and see me the way travis sees me
24. i want to see our military members come home to the respect they deserve
25. i want to make a difference in my community
26. i want to write letters more often
27. i want to develop an attitude of trust toward those people i love
28. i want to read all the books ms. uram, mr. albert, mr. bryan, and mr. mcgowan told me to read (thankfully, i stole most of them, so i have them!) (see #20)
29. i want to sit on the roof of a building and watch life go by
30. i want to exercise on a regular basis
31. i want to learn to make baked alaska
32. i want to GO to alaska
33. i want to leave a legacy of compassion for my girls
34. i want to see all my "kids" happy, healthy, and in the best position to have a fabulous life
35. i want to take piano lessons again
36. i want to travel back to india, this time with the girls and travis
36 things i want to remember on a daily basis
1. i want to remember i am here for a reason
2. i want to remember i am not perfect
3. i want to remember i am loved by many
4. i want to remember to be patient, not everything has to be accomplished this minute
5. i want to remember life is a gift, and sharing it with someone is a special gift
6. i want to remember that every minute has the opportunity to leave a lasting impression
7. i want to remember that many lives were sacrificed in order for my freedom
8. i want to remember my grandmother struggled without a husband and with 5 kids
9. i want to remember my mother didn't have a mother to call when she needed to vent, or brag, or cry
10. i want to remember my father attended the USAFA, but his life was not ideal
11. i want to remember that when anne doesn't call, it sometimes DOES mean she needs me to pick up the phone
12. i want to remember that sometimes, him making the coffee IS him telling me he loves me
13. i want to remember that the ability to make it through the day is up to me
14. i want to remember to always tell people what they mean to me, because you never know if you'll see them again
15. i want to remember jealousy is more dangerous than cancer
16. i want to remember to be quiet sometimes
17. i want to remember G-d reveals h-mself to us in some of the oddest ways, i need to keep my eyes open
18. i want to remember to never go to bed without telling the girls goodnight
19. i want to remember that because i want it, doesn't mean i should get it
20. i want to remember that my job is just my job, and that my real purpose (as *i* see it) is to be the best mom i can be
21. i want to remember that a smile can be the difference between life and death for someone at some point
22. i want to remember that tomorrow is NOT guaranteed, so that means if i don't vacuum today, it's fine... oh wait... i was supposed to vacuum!!
23. i want to remember to be kind and patient
24. i want to remember i am where i am supposed to be
25. i want to remember that G-d didn't intend for us to be solitary creatures
26. i want to remember that the grace i am given should be passed along
27. i want to remember to not be scared to try new things, go new places, and meet new people
28. i want to remember to take the time to help those who need it
29. i want to remember it only takes a minute to make a memory
30. i want to remember that regret, like jealousy, is a waste of time
31. i want to remember i deserve the love of a good man, and should not push it away
32. i want to remember i am not the best mom in the world, but i had a great example, and should lean on that
33. i want to remember i have been given certain talents and should not keep them to myself
34. i want to remember to take care of myself first
35. i want to remember G-d doesn't need me to be in a church in order to worship him
36. i want to remember those in the world who don't have anyone to remember them
okay, that was easier than i thought... i bet i could do 108 in each category...
but for the 109th bead... it didn't reveal itself to me...
so, let me know what you think... i'm genuinely interested. i was thinking about making prayer-like flags... or buying some beads... candles like in catholic churches?
hmmmm....
tired. bed-bound
the reference to twists actually began in my head a few days ago. i read "eat, pray, love" and found the way the author incorporated the various religions into her own spiritual journey to be very inspiring. i will give a little history:
i grew up in a methodist/protestant home. the military chapels were very full of political correctness and not so much, *i* felt, on the whole "build a relationship" side of religion. i found that to be offensive, actually. my apologies if i've already offended. but my life has always been grounded in the Chr-stian faith. when esk died, i got angry with G-d. very angry. shortly after (or maybe it was before... i didn't find out till years later, when i was searching for him to invite him to the reunion) that, bh took his own life, and hearing that made me even more angry. at the time, i was married to my first husband. i married him straight out of high school, and we have a beautiful daughter. he was not religious, nor did he support me going to church OR questioning my faith. it was very *ugh* for me to struggle like i did with trying to find answers. i did, finally, with the help of my former neighbor and friend, KB. she and her family invited me to go to a progressive church in roseville, ca. i came back to G-d at that time. i would weep (yes, literally weep) during worship, and took notes and wrote down every little jewel i heard. i went home and tried to talk to hubby #1 about it. eventually, his answer was "i don't know you, i don't want to be married to you anymore." gee, thanks! i am not angry, bitter, regretful, or anything really... it just sucked. but i decided to leave with a support network in place. turns out the church in roseville had a sister church in rockville, md. LOL i *JUST* figured out the irony there! LOL
so for the next 5 healing years, i attended the church in maryland. got "fed," got to "feed" (went on a great mission trip to st. vincent and the grenedines...) and grew in my faith. then there was the wallet incident, followed by the eric incident, followed by some bad feelings, and i stopped going. i miss it, though. and i didn't take my name off the email list, so i get to stay connected that way. anyway... i am going way around my ass to get to my elbow...
during the maryland years, i had the wonderful opportunity to join some fellow fabulousos on a trip to India. what i experienced there, with my open minded nature, has shaped me into the spiritual person i am today. i visited temples, watched ceremonies, witnessed a post-sacrifice, and got to see how faith in another world works. keep in mind (LOL, like you knew) that at that same time, i was working for the greatest firm in the world. a jewish firm whose president inspired me more than i've ever been able to tell him. i learned so much from everyone there. i gained a great respect for how their faith works.
throw into the mix my year at a baptist college, my 2nd marriage to a faith-vampire, and you get to last week...
i finished the book, and got to thinking about the beads. the 109 beads. and i've also been thinking about the reasons behind the buddhist prayer flags. and the rosary. and the book that EP carries and prays from... i got to thinking about what i'd want a constant, physical reminder to remember... so, in my ocd-control-freak-kinda-creative-but-a-little-over-the-top way, i've started a list. much like the book, i've decided to divide it into three sections: 36 things for which i am thankful. 36 things i'd like to accomplish in life. and 36 things i'd like to remember on a daily basis... obviously, some of these things would overlap. but back to the hyphenated description of myself, i have rules. i can't duplicate. wait, you say... even i can't do much mental math, there is one more bead/flag/reminder.... at this exact moment in time, i don't know what that bead/list item/flag will mean just yet. i am hoping it comes to me during this exercise... i imagine this will take me more than this blog, but who knows? maybe i'll get on a roll...
so here goes.
36 things for which i am thankful. (and i don't think these are in any particular order... that would take too much brain power...)
1. i am thankful i get to wake up in the morning and experience a new day
2. i am thankful i have full use of my eyes, my ears, my sense of touch, my sense of taste, and my sense of smell
3. i am thankful i have a home in which to wake up
4. i am thankful i have a job to which i go
5. i am thankful i have a working car
6. i am thankful i live in a safe neighborhood
7. i am thankful i have food to eat
8. i am thankful i have my best friend in the whole world with whom i get to wake up
9. i am thankful i have my daughters under the same roof
10. i am thankful i get the joy of having two other of trav's kids stay a couple nights a week
11. i am thankful i do not have to live in fear of leaving the house
12. i am thankful i have the freedom to choose NOT to leave the house
13. i am thankful for the technology with which i can communicate with my friends and family
14. i am thankful for my parents and my siblings
15. i am thankful my family has weathered many storms, but can still communicate
16. i am thankful my friends, who i neglect, will still pick up the phone when i call
17. i am thankful for the opportunities i had as a child
18. i am thankful for the lessons i've learned and the mistakes i've made (oooh, that was weird to write...)
19. i am thankful that even though i have had a lot of cool experiences, and been through storms, i can turn on a movie, and be moved to tears: that translates to i'm thankful my heart has never been completely broken
20. i am thankful for the tears i can shed with travis, as silly as they seem looking back: that translates to i'm thankful i have someone with whom i can be myself (regardless of how obnoxious, emotional, or just stupid i am being)
21. i am thankful G-d sees fit to bring the sun up in the morning and i get to experience it rising above the most beautiful mountains this side of india
22. i am thankful i have a tendency to forget bad things that have happened to me over the years
23. i am thankful i have anne to turn to when i do remember
24. i am thankful i am healthy
25. i am thankful my kids are healthy
26. i am thankful i still have the ability to make new friends
27. i am thankful i am still naive enough to believe everyone is basically good
28. i am thankful G-d puts people in my life who i might not ever put there myself
29. i am thankful i am forgiven for all the stupid things i've done
30. i am thankful i get the opportunity to watch my girls experience things with the same wide-eyed enthusiasm i had when i experienced those things for the first time
31. i am thankful i have a sense of humor, and that most people get it
32. i am thankful i have grown up with the desire to try new things, and see the joy in the mundane
33. i am thankful my parents had the foresight to let me make my own mistakes, over and over and over
34. i am thankful i had the freedom to read the book that inspired this blog: this translates to i'm thankful i have the freedoms provided to me just because i am an american
35. i am thankful i have learned to appreciate arts and music and literature and other people
36. i am thankful i was given the opportunity to pass on my knowledge and experiences to someone(s) who will indeed make the world a better place
36 things i want to accomplish in life
1. i want to walk hand in hand with travis on a white sand beach
2. i want to learn to play guitar
3. i want to go to mexico with anne
4. i want to see each of my friends again, with time to sit and really talk
5. i want to reconnect with my grandmother and the rest of the new york family
6. i want to reconnect with eric's parents and their friends/my friends, from whom i feel very estranged
7. i want to have jason take my picture again
8. i want to meet owen wilson (this is MY list... but this even breaks my rule, unless you know the story)
9. i want to go skydiving
10. i want to go to africa
11. i want to meet someone for whom something i said or did made a difference
12. i want to be out of debt
13. i want to visit my parents often
14. i want to learn not to take things for granted (like living with my parents for 7 years as an adult-ish)
15. i want to learn a foreign language
16. i want to teach my girls to love life, and kick that off by traveling back to the uk
17. i want to write a book worthy of reading
18. i want to see bangkok and calgary, preferably with travis (deathcab for cutie reference)
19. i want to give back to the people who made a difference in my life
20. i want to have the opportunity to tell certain people how much they mean to me
21. i want to apologize to some people for stuff i did
22. i want to quit smoking
23. i want to look in the mirror and see me the way travis sees me
24. i want to see our military members come home to the respect they deserve
25. i want to make a difference in my community
26. i want to write letters more often
27. i want to develop an attitude of trust toward those people i love
28. i want to read all the books ms. uram, mr. albert, mr. bryan, and mr. mcgowan told me to read (thankfully, i stole most of them, so i have them!) (see #20)
29. i want to sit on the roof of a building and watch life go by
30. i want to exercise on a regular basis
31. i want to learn to make baked alaska
32. i want to GO to alaska
33. i want to leave a legacy of compassion for my girls
34. i want to see all my "kids" happy, healthy, and in the best position to have a fabulous life
35. i want to take piano lessons again
36. i want to travel back to india, this time with the girls and travis
36 things i want to remember on a daily basis
1. i want to remember i am here for a reason
2. i want to remember i am not perfect
3. i want to remember i am loved by many
4. i want to remember to be patient, not everything has to be accomplished this minute
5. i want to remember life is a gift, and sharing it with someone is a special gift
6. i want to remember that every minute has the opportunity to leave a lasting impression
7. i want to remember that many lives were sacrificed in order for my freedom
8. i want to remember my grandmother struggled without a husband and with 5 kids
9. i want to remember my mother didn't have a mother to call when she needed to vent, or brag, or cry
10. i want to remember my father attended the USAFA, but his life was not ideal
11. i want to remember that when anne doesn't call, it sometimes DOES mean she needs me to pick up the phone
12. i want to remember that sometimes, him making the coffee IS him telling me he loves me
13. i want to remember that the ability to make it through the day is up to me
14. i want to remember to always tell people what they mean to me, because you never know if you'll see them again
15. i want to remember jealousy is more dangerous than cancer
16. i want to remember to be quiet sometimes
17. i want to remember G-d reveals h-mself to us in some of the oddest ways, i need to keep my eyes open
18. i want to remember to never go to bed without telling the girls goodnight
19. i want to remember that because i want it, doesn't mean i should get it
20. i want to remember that my job is just my job, and that my real purpose (as *i* see it) is to be the best mom i can be
21. i want to remember that a smile can be the difference between life and death for someone at some point
22. i want to remember that tomorrow is NOT guaranteed, so that means if i don't vacuum today, it's fine... oh wait... i was supposed to vacuum!!
23. i want to remember to be kind and patient
24. i want to remember i am where i am supposed to be
25. i want to remember that G-d didn't intend for us to be solitary creatures
26. i want to remember that the grace i am given should be passed along
27. i want to remember to not be scared to try new things, go new places, and meet new people
28. i want to remember to take the time to help those who need it
29. i want to remember it only takes a minute to make a memory
30. i want to remember that regret, like jealousy, is a waste of time
31. i want to remember i deserve the love of a good man, and should not push it away
32. i want to remember i am not the best mom in the world, but i had a great example, and should lean on that
33. i want to remember i have been given certain talents and should not keep them to myself
34. i want to remember to take care of myself first
35. i want to remember G-d doesn't need me to be in a church in order to worship him
36. i want to remember those in the world who don't have anyone to remember them
okay, that was easier than i thought... i bet i could do 108 in each category...
but for the 109th bead... it didn't reveal itself to me...
so, let me know what you think... i'm genuinely interested. i was thinking about making prayer-like flags... or buying some beads... candles like in catholic churches?
hmmmm....
tired. bed-bound
Saturday, July 17, 2010
reevaluating my very existence
my life is great. complicated but fulfilling and full of grace. i learned recently that grace is not what i've always imagined it was, but rather that which is given to you unconsciously from those with whom you share your life.
pausing to put some organization to my thoughts so i don't forget what i want to say...
*trust
*recent reads
*favorite movie (missing her so much i almost couldn't breathe)
*job
*failed and failing relationships
*desires fulfilled and unfulfilled
*what i see myself doing in 5 years, and how that's changed
*scary thoughts
*failing myself
okay...
so trust. heavy. i have no reason not to trust every single person in my life. except i don't know that i deserve the trust people have in me. not that i am a deceiving, or coniving. but my mistrust of other people means i watch to see if i can pick up any little bit of deceit in their words or mannerisms. and so i find myself anxious and stressed having even the littlest of conversations with those people i love the most. i don't know why i have developed this horrible affliction. i wish i could free myself from it. the problem is that this little flaw of mine has proved to be right more times than not. it's not been like i mistrust someone only to find out i am overreacting. more often, it's that i get this feeling, and when it comes to a head, i find out i am right. so what do i do with this? i used to be very naive, taking everyone for what they said they were. i am not sure when this changed. it wasn't just something that changed with one cosmic event or happening. maybe if i knew the one thing that changed my perspective, i could identify, analyze, and move on, leaving this awful affliction behind me.
i think i am going to come back to this topic later...
*recent reads*
i used to read books all the time. i love books. i have books all over my house. hundreds of them. and i love the way books smell, and the magic they hold. i met someone recently who made me think that perhaps i should share my books, give them away after i've read them. that's too hard for me to consider at the moment. my books are part of me. but that's not what i wanted to talk about.
i am reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. i meant to pick it up years ago when she first published it. it never made it to my list, though. i picked it up again after meeting the same person i mentioned before when she lit up, almost animated, talking about how she loves reading, and how it helps balance her life. i was jealous. the very next day, i was at the grocery store and there was the book. so i picked it up. i LOVE how elizabeth gilbert writes. and it doesn't hurt that i have had many of the same internal conflicts she describes, and watching how she overcomes the depression is inspiring. i've been to italy and india, so those parts of the book are comforting to me, as i remember being where she's been. i am to the part where she is in bali, and i've always wanted to go there, even more so now. i am intrigued to try some of the things she tries in terms of yoga and meditation and prayer... part of why i am back to writing here. look at the dates of the previous blogs, it's been years. maybe if i start to heal myself, i can get through the rest of the ugliness in my life. who knows.
*favorite movie*
"you've got mail" is my favorite movie. i have always counted on this movie to cheer me up. i've secretly thought that i am like meg ryan's character. the ironic thing is that my sister IS meg ryan's character... (insert sibling rivalry commentary here) but the movie is written with such great references, and filmed in my favorite city of all time, that i find myself engrossed even with commercials and edits that take out some of the smaller pieces. i have even recently tried reaching out to the ether to find someone with whom to have a conversation like the one meg ryan's and tom hank's characters have. i have discovered, though, that here, in reality, men you meet on line (or pretty much anywhere else) are only after one thing. and that breaks my heart literally daily. i find myself quoting lines from this movie, dreaming about having her life... "there's the dream of some[thing] else" (she actually says someONE, but that's a whole nother blog). "missing [him] so much i can hardly breathe" (she actually says missing her, but i don't want to think about losing my mother).
i've always dreamed about living in a brownstone in the city, where i wouldn't need to have a car, and everything was at my fingertips, and i could get anywhere i wanted to go in no time. and who knows, maybe that will happen. but more likely, it will always just be a dream. like a lot of things in my dreams.
*job*
i recently started a new job. it's with a company for whom i've always wanted to work. i have lots of friends who work for the company. i've watched the company continue to grow despite the economy. i'm finally where i thought i always wanted to be. i took a $10K paycut, increased my commute by 60 miles, and am now spending 2 fewer hours at home. i love the music i listen to on my way, i am good at the job, but gave up a job with a shady company that was 7 miles from my house, and was making $10K more... why did i do that? was it a good decision? was it the RIGHT decision? what do i do with that?
*this is the most depressing part of the movie**
which is a pretty good segway into the next topic: failed and failing relationships...
i've been married twice. been in three other serious relationships, and am currently in a very complicated relationship. i have 2 best friends, several other friends for whom i'd walk through fire, and hundreds of people i could turn to if i needed anything. i have sisters with whom i am trying to fix a year's worth of ickiness. but i want to focus on my current complicated relationship.
i want to start by describing myself:
i am 35. i weigh 125lbs. i have long hair, blue eyes, and am pretty much otherwise average visually. i smoke, i drink,(i even do whiskey shots), i swear, i love football and hockey, i love music. i am very independent, can pay my own bills, mow my own lawn, hang pictures, take care of myself. i love to cook, keep a clean house, love sex. i have an insatiable sexual appetite. i don't like drama, i don't judge people. i go out of my way to be helpful, i am thoughtful, considerate, and generous.
(he just brought her flowers, in the movie... i love daisies... i haven't been bought flowers in over 10 years)... so i describe myself in those words because in the world of women, i think i'm pretty unique. maybe not unique, but at least cool. so all this being said, the man i am with, the man i think i love, he is looking for something else. i don't understand. i don't get it. and it breaks my heart. i am always one breath away (still) from crying. what is wrong with me that this man actually says to me, "i look for other women because i need my gut to confirm what my heart has always known" (or words to that effect) so if his heart tells him that being with me is right, why is it his gut not on board? what ELSE could he possibly want? i spend my alone time thinking and obsessing about this. and that inevitably leads me to my mistrusting behavior, and makes me start to plan my exit. the thing is, i don't WANT to leave. i want to trust that he'll come to his senses. but i don't want to live my life with someone who doesn't think i'm good enough. and in my path to becoming the person i am supposed to be, what else is there??? UGH...
i posted an ad on CraigsList last week. i was very clear that i had a boyfriend with whom i was happy. i said i was looking for someone (like the movie) who would pay attention to me. the responses were many. i said i didn't want a relationship, i didn't want to know personal things about the person i was looking for. i said i wanted a friend. the respondents were overbearing, have misinterpreted the ad and me into thinking that one phone call should lead to sex. and if i don't return a phone call, or answer a text or email, then i am an uncaring bitch. it's heartbreaking. not the heartbreaking that knowing my boyfriend is looking is heartbreaking, maybe more frustrating and annoying. i think i need a gay guy. someone who will pay attention to me, but not want sex. i am happy with my sex life with T. very happy. i don't ever want to get naked with another man. or at least, i don't want to think about it.
okay, just realized i was babbling. and that in babbling, my writing skills reverted to those of a angst-ridden teenager.
i have to stop writing now. i have a headache, i'm crying, and the movie is almost over...
more later... "i wanted it to be you so badly...."
pausing to put some organization to my thoughts so i don't forget what i want to say...
*trust
*recent reads
*favorite movie (missing her so much i almost couldn't breathe)
*job
*failed and failing relationships
*desires fulfilled and unfulfilled
*what i see myself doing in 5 years, and how that's changed
*scary thoughts
*failing myself
okay...
so trust. heavy. i have no reason not to trust every single person in my life. except i don't know that i deserve the trust people have in me. not that i am a deceiving, or coniving. but my mistrust of other people means i watch to see if i can pick up any little bit of deceit in their words or mannerisms. and so i find myself anxious and stressed having even the littlest of conversations with those people i love the most. i don't know why i have developed this horrible affliction. i wish i could free myself from it. the problem is that this little flaw of mine has proved to be right more times than not. it's not been like i mistrust someone only to find out i am overreacting. more often, it's that i get this feeling, and when it comes to a head, i find out i am right. so what do i do with this? i used to be very naive, taking everyone for what they said they were. i am not sure when this changed. it wasn't just something that changed with one cosmic event or happening. maybe if i knew the one thing that changed my perspective, i could identify, analyze, and move on, leaving this awful affliction behind me.
i think i am going to come back to this topic later...
*recent reads*
i used to read books all the time. i love books. i have books all over my house. hundreds of them. and i love the way books smell, and the magic they hold. i met someone recently who made me think that perhaps i should share my books, give them away after i've read them. that's too hard for me to consider at the moment. my books are part of me. but that's not what i wanted to talk about.
i am reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. i meant to pick it up years ago when she first published it. it never made it to my list, though. i picked it up again after meeting the same person i mentioned before when she lit up, almost animated, talking about how she loves reading, and how it helps balance her life. i was jealous. the very next day, i was at the grocery store and there was the book. so i picked it up. i LOVE how elizabeth gilbert writes. and it doesn't hurt that i have had many of the same internal conflicts she describes, and watching how she overcomes the depression is inspiring. i've been to italy and india, so those parts of the book are comforting to me, as i remember being where she's been. i am to the part where she is in bali, and i've always wanted to go there, even more so now. i am intrigued to try some of the things she tries in terms of yoga and meditation and prayer... part of why i am back to writing here. look at the dates of the previous blogs, it's been years. maybe if i start to heal myself, i can get through the rest of the ugliness in my life. who knows.
*favorite movie*
"you've got mail" is my favorite movie. i have always counted on this movie to cheer me up. i've secretly thought that i am like meg ryan's character. the ironic thing is that my sister IS meg ryan's character... (insert sibling rivalry commentary here) but the movie is written with such great references, and filmed in my favorite city of all time, that i find myself engrossed even with commercials and edits that take out some of the smaller pieces. i have even recently tried reaching out to the ether to find someone with whom to have a conversation like the one meg ryan's and tom hank's characters have. i have discovered, though, that here, in reality, men you meet on line (or pretty much anywhere else) are only after one thing. and that breaks my heart literally daily. i find myself quoting lines from this movie, dreaming about having her life... "there's the dream of some[thing] else" (she actually says someONE, but that's a whole nother blog). "missing [him] so much i can hardly breathe" (she actually says missing her, but i don't want to think about losing my mother).
i've always dreamed about living in a brownstone in the city, where i wouldn't need to have a car, and everything was at my fingertips, and i could get anywhere i wanted to go in no time. and who knows, maybe that will happen. but more likely, it will always just be a dream. like a lot of things in my dreams.
*job*
i recently started a new job. it's with a company for whom i've always wanted to work. i have lots of friends who work for the company. i've watched the company continue to grow despite the economy. i'm finally where i thought i always wanted to be. i took a $10K paycut, increased my commute by 60 miles, and am now spending 2 fewer hours at home. i love the music i listen to on my way, i am good at the job, but gave up a job with a shady company that was 7 miles from my house, and was making $10K more... why did i do that? was it a good decision? was it the RIGHT decision? what do i do with that?
*this is the most depressing part of the movie**
which is a pretty good segway into the next topic: failed and failing relationships...
i've been married twice. been in three other serious relationships, and am currently in a very complicated relationship. i have 2 best friends, several other friends for whom i'd walk through fire, and hundreds of people i could turn to if i needed anything. i have sisters with whom i am trying to fix a year's worth of ickiness. but i want to focus on my current complicated relationship.
i want to start by describing myself:
i am 35. i weigh 125lbs. i have long hair, blue eyes, and am pretty much otherwise average visually. i smoke, i drink,(i even do whiskey shots), i swear, i love football and hockey, i love music. i am very independent, can pay my own bills, mow my own lawn, hang pictures, take care of myself. i love to cook, keep a clean house, love sex. i have an insatiable sexual appetite. i don't like drama, i don't judge people. i go out of my way to be helpful, i am thoughtful, considerate, and generous.
(he just brought her flowers, in the movie... i love daisies... i haven't been bought flowers in over 10 years)... so i describe myself in those words because in the world of women, i think i'm pretty unique. maybe not unique, but at least cool. so all this being said, the man i am with, the man i think i love, he is looking for something else. i don't understand. i don't get it. and it breaks my heart. i am always one breath away (still) from crying. what is wrong with me that this man actually says to me, "i look for other women because i need my gut to confirm what my heart has always known" (or words to that effect) so if his heart tells him that being with me is right, why is it his gut not on board? what ELSE could he possibly want? i spend my alone time thinking and obsessing about this. and that inevitably leads me to my mistrusting behavior, and makes me start to plan my exit. the thing is, i don't WANT to leave. i want to trust that he'll come to his senses. but i don't want to live my life with someone who doesn't think i'm good enough. and in my path to becoming the person i am supposed to be, what else is there??? UGH...
i posted an ad on CraigsList last week. i was very clear that i had a boyfriend with whom i was happy. i said i was looking for someone (like the movie) who would pay attention to me. the responses were many. i said i didn't want a relationship, i didn't want to know personal things about the person i was looking for. i said i wanted a friend. the respondents were overbearing, have misinterpreted the ad and me into thinking that one phone call should lead to sex. and if i don't return a phone call, or answer a text or email, then i am an uncaring bitch. it's heartbreaking. not the heartbreaking that knowing my boyfriend is looking is heartbreaking, maybe more frustrating and annoying. i think i need a gay guy. someone who will pay attention to me, but not want sex. i am happy with my sex life with T. very happy. i don't ever want to get naked with another man. or at least, i don't want to think about it.
okay, just realized i was babbling. and that in babbling, my writing skills reverted to those of a angst-ridden teenager.
i have to stop writing now. i have a headache, i'm crying, and the movie is almost over...
more later... "i wanted it to be you so badly...."
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