kisses on the mountain

the sunset kisses the mountains
you run your fingers through my hair
our eyes are locked
our hearts are beating
    In time with the whispers in the wind

Time stands still in the universe
Nothing exists more important than us
Our love is real
Our truth is unending
     Like the kisses on the mountaintops

Through all the tribulations we've faced
All the memories we've made
I've never loved you more
Than this moment right now
     The moment we saw the sunset kiss the mountains

tangled reflections

it's been over a year since i've sat down and tried to download all the thoughts
and other junk that is in my head.  i logged on tonight and saw that i started a
blog called "it's the end of the world as we know it" a year ago and got one line
into it and stopped.  that's ironic.  and funny.  writing is so cathartic for me
that to have ignored it for so long is almost akin to self-mutilation.

the last blog i wrote and published was a joint endeavor for our kids. it's one with
which i am quite proud.  i vaguely remember writing it, but thinking back to the time
frame, i am surprised i was able to complete.

i feel it necessary at this point to interject something. i write my blogs in
notepad.  i choose not to capitalize properly, and although as a writer that is my
choice, bill gates' software will not let me be so non-conformist as to let me
override the autocorrect.  (or at least not easily)  so i choose the developer's
dream program that lets you do whatever you want however you want.  i like that.

i also feel it necessary to point out that every time i sit down to write, i put

music on.  today, my friend DS who has been my friend for ten years, but with whom
i've never spent a moment in his physical presence, sent me some music.  this is
a common occurrence with DS.  he is my music guru. he knows what i like, to what i
have yet to be exposed, and sometimes, he just likes to send me stuff to get my
reaction.  today it's jazz. it's beautiful. it sounds like 70s porn music. LOL. 

***back to the point***

what is the point, exactly? i am not sure i know. there are times i outline my blogs
so that i stay on point. i sat with a pen and paper to do just that when i started
this.  the paper is still blank. i don't know what i hope to accomplish with this.
i do know that i have to do some shoutouts, though.

when i started my online persona, it was never intended to be a public blog. i never
wanted anyone i know to read it. i enjoyed the idea that i could say whatever i
wanted and it would never be real to anyone. then i realized that there are things
i want to say to certain people that i am too chicken shit to actually say, so i
say it in the blog.  that way, if they read it, we can talk about it. if they don't,
then the selfish woman in me gets to say, "well, i got it out, i feel better." it's
shitty, i know. but whatever...

the fact that i publish on my facebook page that this is out here, and the fact that
i love the reaction i get means i am not as developed emotionally as i want to be.
it means that i still crave attention. it means that there is some part of my life
that is unsatisfied. i fully admit to feeling that way. i am hoping that through
regular writing i can get past that silly girl and go back to being a grown up.

maybe not.

anyway. i would like to set the record straight for one of my new readers. SB.
oh SB.  i have to go back 22 years to be in the same frame of mind i was when SB was
a part of my life. i don't remember how i met him, to be honest. in my memories, he
was just always there. i remember roaming the base with WR and always wanting to find
him. i remember he made me blush. he was the no-bull-shit kind of guy that spoke his
mind. i remember loving that. i know that he didn't care if we didn't show up one
day, or if we showed up at the bowling alley with other people. he was cool and to
me, it seemed as if we were gravy, but nothing that he couldn't live without.

i remember beginning to have feelings for SB. i remember that i wasn't going to
allow myself to have those feelings out of respect for WR. but i also remember being
a total bitch and letting those feelings build anyway. i owe WR so many apologies now
that i will spend the rest of my life trying to fix what a total shit i was. i
digress.

i remember that SB was kind and sweet. and i remember he loved music. based on his
recent posts, i see that is still there... i remember that every time we got together
there was always music playing. he references the juke box at the bowling alley in
his posts...  that thing was always on. he mentioned the mix tapes he made me. i still
have them.  i remember that when i went to his room, his stereo was always on, and
his music collection (of tapes back then) was extensive.

i remember being a shit to SB. i don't remember how our short relationship ended.
that is how much of a selfish sob i am. i remember being sad. i remember that he had
purchased some really cool posters for me during that time... and i held on to them
for years. but i don't remember how it ended. i remember seeing him years later, and
freaking out. i hate myself for not remembering. i am glad he is forgiving and still
kind.  and i appreciate his musical posts, as they always take me back to the times
i do remember. and they were good memories. playing pool at the rec center, lots of
laughing. eating at the burger bar. i have to say it, SB, sorry... i can't listen
to Lady in Red by Chris DeBurg (sp) without thinking about him. and i can't smell
obsession cologne without remembering. 

let me set the record straight: SB is an incredible man. i didn't deserve his
attention then, nor do i now. but i am very grateful.

***k, have to turn off the "love boat meets debbie does dallas" music***

quite appropriately, "catch" by the Cure comes on.  this is as organic a transition
as i will get to broach this next subject.  it also involves my past, and a
relationship i have screwed up. there's a theme here. and a huge reason why i haven't
written in a year. i am afraid of what will come out of my head if i let this start.

AB.  damnit.  i can't. but i will.  the cursor was swearing at me.

as a sophomore in high school, i was outcast and awkward. i had spent the entirety of
my (sorry, gotta throw out the occasional lyric..."strange attraction"- very
appropriate)"smoking poetry" i love bob....

sorry.. i spent the entirety of my freshman year in a relationship that set me on a

path where i would spend the next three years trying to prove myself a smarter girl.
so my sophomore year, i wore hippy skirts and tried to get into the cool group of which
AB was a part. i've written about it before. i didn't deserve to try to be friends
with him or his friends. i still don't. but boy did i try. SK gave me my first Cure
album. it was a copy on a tape (the tape was yellow, don't ask me why i remember that)
but i listened to it until it was too warped to listen to anymore.

life happened. the group graduated. we all lost touch. i say we, but really, i was
never a part, so i apologize for that. then a few years ago, AB was
on my heart so hard that i reached out.  that started a frenzy of communications. a
rebuilding (not really, since there wasn't a foundation, really) of a friendship that
i so desperately wanted for so many years. i cherish that. i cherish him. i screwed
it up so much that all i get now are two word responses to my random messages. i get
it. i can't apologize enough. but i can cherish the time we spent together when he
made the effort to come see me. we listened to music, watched movies, talked, cried,
talked... and as much as i tried to be who he wanted, who i thought he needed, i
colossally failed. i will take that to the grave with me. i have alienated him, i
have alienated our mutual friends. i lost more than i ever thought i would. that
makes me sad. i wish him the best. i wish him safety and security, and the love of a
woman who will be everything he wants. i wish... well, shit. i just wish.

okay. i hope anyone who has been reading has given up by now.  it's just going to be
a mess. i'm a mess.

pausing to save the blog, get another beer, and some tissues.

right now, at this exact moment, TB is at his 20 year class reunion. (what is it with
me and Bs?) he went on a 27 hour drive on his own. i hoped it would be what he needed
in order to get his mind right. his words, not mine. i hope it's cleansing and
relaxing. but i am afraid. i am afraid that the girls he once loved are going to
rekindle something. that is the 14 year old in me. that's all i am going to say about
that.

okay, i'm going to lighten up a little. geez, i am depressing myself just rereading

what i've written.

let's see... since last year, i've been with the new company that i blogged about. i
have a team that i supervise. i've never had that before.  it's been a learning
experience, no doubt. i like to think i'm a good supervisor. i don't know. you'd have
to ask them.  i think i've made a difference in my year at this company.

***ADD moment... the av's just signed McGinn again!!!  whoo hooo!***

i love my job. it's challenging and frustrating. the hardest thing i find is actually
finishing something. there are so many little projects that i have my hands in, and
each is just as important as the next. but i don't feel like i've brought any to a
clean and tidy conclusion. i know it's not all my fault, but i'd like to be able to
say, "that's done" just once.


TB and i have been through a tough year. he got a job with my company, and then because
of the threat of me, they fired him. that sucks. he's not taken it well. i feel
wholly and completely responsible for his losing his job. i took a stance against the
VP and he ended up losing his job, but took TB with him as a final fuck you to me.
there is nothing i can do about it now.

random thought 800...  i didn't make it to AN's wedding this summer. i wanted to. i
couldn't afford the trip. and she didn't want TB to come (for reasons i totally
understand) and that hurt my feelings. (reference the line at the beginning where i
said that i use my blogs to say things i'm too chicken shit to say out loud) but
that's not why i didn't go. i am financially a wreck. i've been trying to get on my
feet for four years now, and i get one step ahead and then have unexpected auto
problems, a reunion for him to attend...  anyway. i hate that i missed it, and we
haven't spoken since, so it's probably another relationship i will spend years trying
to repair.

i am really getting nowhere with this. i will publish. i will write again tomorrow.

ugh. i don't feel any better.

What we want to teach our children

travis: i was consulted, and contributed at least five of these letters! LOL

amy: i've put a lot of thought into this... i've already got my list of 109 things I want to do... but this is different. I want to give my girls something that in the heat of the moment, they will remember. Hell, I don't even remember all 109 things on that other list...

I don't take credit for the initial thought of this. I was listening to talk radio the other day on my way to work and a guy said he only ever remembered three things his dad said. I don't want my girls being interviewed in 30 years and have them say they remember so little of what travis and I are trying to do to raise them...

Be Brave, Be Honest, Be Kind

those were the three things the interviewee said he remembered from his father. That doesn't suck. But if those are it, it's kinda lacking.

So if we were to make a list, a safety net, a primer in how to handle any situation, we think we'd take the alphabet approach:

a – accountable – for every task, every action, be accountable

b – brave – I do like that one... don't be scared to try something new

c – compassionate – if everyone were compassionate all the time, well, things would be different

if the girls were to consider the abc's before every decision, we think good decisions would follow... if we were to think of a lesson-able letter for the rest of the alphabet, they would be:

d – determined – be determined in anything to which you have set your mind

e – energy – use the energy necessary to complete the task

f – faith – faith in the outcome, faith in the people with whom you choose to surround yourself, faith in yourself

g – giggle – it's healthy

h – honesty – yeah, this is a huge one; humor – that's another good one... have a sense of humor and don't take yourself too seriously

i – intelligence – don't ever let anyone ever make you doubt it

j – jammin – don't be afraid to dance and act like a fool... life is short, have fun

k – kindness – you don't know what anyone is going through on any given day... be kind

l – love – do everything with love in your heart and LISTEN...

m – marriage – don't do it... it isn't the end all be all for a relationship...

n – negative nellys – they are everywhere... don't let them sap your energy, they aren't worth it.

o – optimism – don't always think it will rain... it can't rain all the time

p – persistence – don't ever give up

q – quality family time doesn't have to be planned... sometimes it just happens, be open to the opportunity to make every day a memory

r – respect yourself always... and raccoons are evil, that is all

s – stay true to yourself and your beliefs; don't let anyone let you think differently about who you know you are

t – trust – this is hard to do... but I expect you to try

u – understanding – give the benefit of the doubt often

v – velociraptors are cranky... stay away from them

w – whenever you find yourself in a position where you are confused, scared, in danger, whatever... CALL us... we'll always be here for you, no matter what

x – x=1... things are much simpler when you get rid of the noise and focus. Usually the simplest answer is the right one... when you hear hooves, think horses... all of those cliches... they aren't far off.

y – you can do whatever you want, as long as you are willing to accept the consequences

z – zeal – approach everything with zeal

the j-o-b decision

my wise and wonderful father said to write a list of the pros and cons of the two job offers i have on the table, then to throw the list away and go with my gut... we all know my stomach is not the most friendly of things... in fact, it's been awful for over a year now... but i will go with my intuition and things will become much clearer after i have a chance to write it all down...

first, though, i need a playlist in the background... hold please.....while the songs are still downloading, bullet points:

current job: Yardi
job offer: Ascentia

cj: 67 miles from home
jo: 17 miles from home

cj: $xK a year
jo: $x + 8K a year

cj: inside the organization
jo: back to being a client

cj: been there a year, have 2 people i'd walk through fire for
jo: been working with them a year, lots of acquaintences

cj: instant access to my other yardi friends
jo: back to being a client - access still available, just not as a coworker

cj: counter offer included 3 work from home days (which i've been asking for for a year)
jo: immediate work from home option

cj: i've loved this company for 10 years
jo: just met this company

(still waiting for the songs to get organized..... UGH)

PROS of Yardi
(k, playlist playing... first song: Forest by The Cure)
Yardi is a company that has thousands of clients, and is always growing.
I know a lot of people in Yardi, and love most of them.
The software is cool, and i know enough about it to talk my way through anything

PROS of Ascentia
small company
LOCAL headquarters
i'm coming in as an executive with the respect and admiration of the head haunchos already
i'll still be doing Yardi, just not as part of Yardi
i'll get to do trainings and documentation
they respect my schedule and will give me flex time

OKAY... this is becoming a DUH situation. Of course i will end up working for Ascentia. why wouldn't i? even if i take the yardi offer of working from home three days a week (second song: She Talks to Angels by The Black Crows), i'd still have to do the commute two days a week....

i took the job at Yardi just to have the opportunity to work for the company i'd been on the fringes of for so long. it killed my family... we can't pay our bills, i'm gone from 6am - 7pm every day, but only getting paid 8 of those hours.... this is a no brainer.

i feel like i will be letting some people down... randy, doug, neil, whitt... i am sure they will all understand, they know me... but honestly, i think the best thing for me is to work locally, help this other company use the software the best it can, and find a permanent home here... i think i can get travis a job here, too... why was this even an issue?

maybe because i never expected Yardi to come back to me with an offer to try to get me to stay. i was told a few months ago that i wasn't a valuable enough asset to the company for allowances to be made. now they are turning those tables and offering me everything i asked for a year ago. that's what's hard. i see them trying to keep me. but it boils down to they are 67 miles away and are paying me 700 less a month than this other offer...

the yardi office in colorado springs is an acquisition from 2 years ago. the yardi culture i fell in love with has not permeated the bank building walls here. there is no camaraderie, no flexibility... the people are petty and small. i have two friends there, because i came in and said what was on my mind, and tried to move the company into the Yardi culture... all it really got me was sick. i am a constant target of gossip and other bullshit... it's not a nice place to work. even just two days a week.

the people i really feel like i'll be letting down are my clients. my clients and my other yardi connects i deal with on a daily basis that respect my knowledge. ultimately, though, i believe they would all want me to do what is best for my family. and leaving yardi and working for ascentia is really the best thing... so why was this so hard for me??? i don't know...

okay... tossing the list... going with my sick gut... july 1st will be my last day at yardi... can i have a drink now, daddy?????

just a little whimper

If I have ever been more confused and unsettled, I can't remember it. I feel as if I am adrift in a raft on the open sea. I can see solid ground on the horizon, but like some bizarre hollywood movie effect, it just seems to get farther and farther away. I've long since given up trying to get there. It seems like the harder I tried, the more unrecognizable the solid ground became. It is a beautiful oasis, that solid ground. It is full of life, and love, and everything i've ever tried to achieve... my friends are there, although I can't make their faces out, I know they are there. There are some days that the light is right, and the haze is gone, and I can almost make out all the boundaries of the oasis. There are more days, however, where I can just barely make out the outline. So I just sit in my crudley made raft, and wait for the the tide to take me in...

I stood in line today, waiting in front of two men, who I eventually let get in front of me, only because I felt bad that there were going to be 10 people joining me shortly, and I didn't want to piss them off. That's pretty normal for me. I try my hardest not to piss anyone off. I have only been pissed a handful of times, but hated the feeling enough not to want to have anyone achieve that because of me. In any case, these guys, in their mid 20s, had some very interesting insights about the people around us. Especially the unhappy children. “people shouldn't have unhappy children. Procreation should not include producing unhappy babies. They suck.” I laughed out loud about that. When they got in front of me, I noticed that the shorter of the two had dreads, and had them tied back with a hello kitty hair tie. Something tells me this one isn't ever going to have an unhappy child.

My older sister is an unhappy child. Well, all appearances point to this conclusion. Although I haven't heard her say it to me, she has told my children that her whole life has been miserable. Well, her whole life after she turned 4. that is when I was born. She claims my parents never cared for her after I came along. So who knew, that as an infant, I had the ability to ruin someone's life? Is that some kind of super power? Should I register that as a weapon? My sister told my brother-in-law that my parents like me best, that I am a hard worker, and never do anything wrong. I've never heard my parents say those things, and I am a hard worker. But I won't apologize for that. She went on to say to my bil that his wife, our little sister, married well, and that was another reason why my parents loved her more than my older sister. Again, i've never heard my parents say anything of the sort.

I had the very unique and blessed experience of living with my parents as an adult, and I believe we became more friends than parents-child.... my mother shared things with me that I don't believe she would have shared with a daughter. My father and I had conversations and debates as peers. I ultimately moved out (against their judgment) and miss the friendship more than the parental relationship. My parents are cool as hell. Neither one came from an ideal home as children. My mom was orphaned by the time she was 11, and my father was one of 5 kids in a very conservative, emotional void of a home. Somehow, however, they managed to produce normal (relatively speaking) children. And one very unhappy child.

Life is too short to hold on to the past and let it dictate your future. That is one of my fundamental beliefs. Shit, Travis and I have a rule that if something happened over a week ago, it's not legal to bring it back up. Build a bridge and get over it. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Let it go. Without these cliches in my head all the time, i'd be a wreck. There are times, here, adrift in my makeshift raft, that I do go further back. And that's usually when the fog rolls in and I can't see where i'm headed.

There are questions I want answers to. There are things I want apologies for. There are people I want to stand in front of and tell how I feel. I've had some things happen to me that were never brought to justice. There are lies i've been told that have never been addressed. There are secrets that I will never know. And for reasons that have absolutely no bearing on my future, I keep a hold of those things. Most of the time, they are in the back of the closet of my mind, and I don't pull them out. But i've had a lot of alone time on my hands lately, and both literally and figuratively, i've been cleaning out the closets. Here comes the laundry list....

in 2006, I had a hysterectomy. I was 31. I was told I had stage 0 cervical cancer, and since i'd already had my tubes tied, I might as well get rid of the additional baggage. I was scared and alone. I took this doctor's words as gospel and had the surgery. When recently, I had cause to reread my medical records (as a result of over 52 weeks of random pain and weight loss) there was no mention of cancer. Interesting, no? I forget his exact words, but it boiled down that every 3 months, I had abnormal tests and it would be more cost effective to remove unnecessary parts. That is very interesting to me. I'd like to see this doctor again and slap him. Who knows if i'd have been in pain for the last year if i'd just left the unnecessaries in place? And then on the other hand, if I had, and it had been cancer, I could be worse off. So that's one of those things that could go either way for me, so I choose to leave it alone. Back to the closet shelf.

Two years prior to the surgery, I was raped. Yup. I put myself in a situation where I was drinking at someone's home with a bunch of people I didn't know. Beer pong, spiked drinks, lots of beer... and I ended up at a different home, waking up in pain and scared. I remember calling a few people during the night begging for them to come get me. One was too drunk to drive, one had just dropped acid and couldn't drive, and the other just flaked and didn't answer his phone. I should have called the police. Instead, the next day, I went to the doctor, reported it, and started the long road to forgiving myself. I attempted to file a police report, only to find out that one of the assholes was the chief's son. The detective came to my work to take my statement, then said, “it's your word against his. And he says you were pretty into it. We will bring your parents, your child, your co-workers, your friends into court to give character references. Do you really want your daughter to hear what a whore you are?” Nice, huh??? yeah, i'd like to meet that detective and the assholes and shoot them all. I spent a long time angry at the people who didn't come rescue me that night. I didn't understand how I was so unimportant to them that they'd leave me in that situation. Ultimately, though, it was my fault for putting myself in that situation. My girls know the story. They know that my mistakes lead to me being in the place of not having anyone to be there, and although the rape itself was not my fault, I put the cards in motion. Back in the box. Back in the closet.

I left a job in maryland that was awesome. I worked with great people, and felt every day that I was making a difference, and I loved it. It paid well. It was my second family. I never should have left. I am still in touch with the people I worked with. And although it's been three years, I am told they would still take me back. I am making half of what they'd pay me, and right now my commute is 2 hours, and there it would be maybe 20 minutes. Do I think about going back? Hell yes. Being closer to my parents, making more money, making a difference in a job that I kick ass at? I'd be stupid not to consider it. Just over two years ago, the offer was there, too. I texted Travis the day the offer came and asked him to convince me to stay in colorado. He did. With two words. “the word” was all he wrote. And i've been here ever since. This is something that I should shut back up and put away right now, and not go into it anymore. This is what brings the fog the most quick. Back.....in.....the.....

i've always run away from my problems. I'm not going to lie. When James told me he didn't like being married to me anymore, instead of demanding counseling, I moved to live with my parents. When Eric and my parents started fighting, even after he put his hands on me in anger, instead of dealing with it, I came to colorado. When things at the house in strasburg started getting bad, instead of dealing with the issues between the sisters, I moved into town. I run. I'm a runner. And things are getting bad here. My job is not as fulfilling as I would like. I am not making enough money to survive. I am still ill. My first impulse is to pack up and move back to where I know things were better. Yup. I said it. I think about it every day. I could be making 6 figures now, have myself out of debt, and be with my parents. I didn't have many friends in MD because I was going to school and working all the time, but I could make friends. It is a 25 hour car trip. Everything I own can fit into a medium sized Uhaul. I could be there by monday. Only, there are so many people that would suffer because of that decision. The girls mostly. Honestly, I don't think Travis would care the way I want him to... he'd lose custody of his daughter, have to move, and that would be annoying to him. I just don't feel like right now, it would kill him to have me leave. I think he's here because it's convenient and it makes sense for the girls. I don't think he loves me the way I need to be loved. That's not to say he doesn't love me with all he has, just that i'm not feeling that important.

BACK TO THE CLOSET WITH YOU, EVIL THOUGHTS..... can't go there.... sorry

recently, a co-worker has become my friend. He's cool, a little crazy, a lot like me... he's quickly moving up my ladder of “i'd walk through fire for you” friends. Let me back up. Those of you who know me, know I have a pretty shitty self-image. I weigh 115 pounds, but when I look in the mirror, I see a beached whale. I notice every single flaw in my skin, I notice how small my chest has gotten over the last year, I notice the stretchmark scars,,,, that's all I see when I look in the mirror. So when (we'll call him Jack) Jack started working in my office, I imagined he saw me the way I see me. we”ve worked together for almost a year now. We have a good working relationship. He's funny and smart, and I know if I have a question, he'll help me find the answer. And he reciprocates. Recently, he's been going through some personal stuff that he shared with me. That made me feel good, that Jack would trust me enough to confide in me. And we have that kind of relationship where I can tell him he's being an asshole, or that he needs to man up... And he says the same to me. But something he said the other day (hasn't been a week, so I can bring it up!) has me thinking. He said, “you do know how hot you are, right?” and I had to disagree... then last night he said that I could get anyone I wanted. Again, I disagree, but it's nice to think someone thinks so! LOL... he's good people, and I am very thankful for his friendship...

okay... i've been at this for over an hour and my ADD is kicking in... I can't remember where I was going with this rant.... all I know is that I don't know where I am, I don't know where I am going, and I have no clue who is going to be there when I get there... i'm scared.

Fake Plastic Trees

first of all, a shout out to Radiohead for getting me through my day...

i saw this band in 1995 with my best friend in the whole world. we went to see the Monster tour (REM) and Natalie Merchant and Radiohead opened. i don't remember much about the show, except it was the same year that alanis morrisette's album came out, and we listened to it on the way to the show... and we ate at a restaurant that reminded me of an old pub that was on the way to her house when we lived in england. i wish i could remember the show. i know they did this song... (which is now on repeat on my playlist...)

i wish a lot of things about things in my past. i wish i would have spent more time with anne... i miss her so much. we got into some crazy things when we were younger. we get into crazy things whenever we get together... hell, we've gotten drunk, gotten tattoos, gotten married to less than desirables (the significance in order there is important), laughed until various beverages came out of our noses, made up stories and perpetrated them until we had to ask if they could really be true... every time i get together with her, i am refreshed and renewed.

the last time i saw her was at the denver reunion. it was a terrible time for me. i was frazzled and unorganized and unfun. i have good reason. i had moved to denver the day before. and my husband at the time was, well... we won't go there. i do remember WANTING to have a good time, i remember WANTING to do a lot of things. but what i remember most is that anne was so gracious and accommodating, and never blamed me for anything. that's who she is. she is faithful and honest and an incredible listener.

the times anne and i have gotten together to just sit and talk are among the times i treasure the most. i can tell anne anything. this is something we had to learn... at times in both of our lives, we've been afraid to call each other because of some unfounded fear of being judged. anne knows things i have done that no one else knows. and it's reciprocated. and she has never ever judged me (that i know about). that too is reciprocated. apart from killing my kid, i don't think there is anything that she can do that would make me love her any less.

i have always been envious of anne's ankles. that might have made a better opening line to this blog... but it's true. i want to have her ankles. or her mother's. either one. they are beautiful. anne is beautiful. she is full of grace and poise. we were on the dance team together, and i envied how easy she made every move seem. i could do maybe 45% of the moves, but she never made me feel bad about it. i wanted to be just like her. she was funny, skinny, smart, friends with everyone... i love that about her. i wasn't always kind to her in high school. and i don't know why that is. if i had known just how true a friend she was, i would have done things differently.

one memory i have is when a group of upper classmen put homemade magnets on my locker. these magnets had satanic symbols on them, and i was convinced it was a threat on my life. then the magnets appeared on anne's locker. instead of blowing it off as a harmless prank (as it turns out it was, of course) we had it in our heads that we were going to be jumped and killed by the scariest of scary... we reported it to the principal, we told our parents, we hatched escape plans and prayer circles. yeah, it was huge. i don't know why we were targeted. i do know i was trying to break into a circle of friends (aaron, kingsley, scott, fred, etc...) that i had no business trying to be friends with. they were seniors, for goodness sake. LOL never once did anne mention that perhaps we were over reacting. nope, she was in as deep as i was. we rode that sympathy train for a while, pushed our parents to break the "no sleepovers on school nights" rule, and after a while, it faded.

it was easy to get mad at anne... she was friends with people i wanted to be friends with. had inside jokes with people i could only wish wanted to have outside jokes with me. she got invited to the parties, i didn't. she didn't have to study for anything, i struggled. instead of realizing we would make a kick ass team, i let my envy cloud my judgment more often than not.

we had a lot of fun times barely breaking rules... we were late back from lunch almost every day. i had a car... sometimes, shhhh, you aren't going to believe this... sometimes, we'd go to shhhhh mildenhall at lunch. i know.... we didn't have any reason except to see if we could find "skinny white guy" or "hot SP guy" or "that chevy guy" we caught glimpses of earlier that week... OR... i know, this is going to shock you... we would turn on the Violent Femmes and scream "FUCK" at the top of our lungs while driving past the dorms. i know... rebels... "PENIS" was another favorite of ours. yeah, top of our lungs... i know. those were amazing times. i wish we could do that again.

we went to cambridge and bury st edmonds a lot. mostly boy watching. and the two of us could flirt like no one you've ever met. in fact, in The Hague, we managed to get a group of 8(?) irish guys to follow us around like we were the naked pied pipers... that was us. i've never laughed as much as i ever did when i was with anne.

perhaps that's why she's on my mind so much today. i cried twice today. i was so frustrated at something so stupid at work that i couldn't handle it. and the second time, i cried because something i had a hand in creating actually worked. i love that. and instantly, i wanted to share both things with anne. anne and travis... and i couldn't pick up the phone to call either. so i turned on fake plastic trees, and realized that sometimes, everything just wears me out.

anne, my eternal friends tattoo is such a small symbol of how i really feel about you. i love you.

baseboards and gum trees

my dog is sitting in front of the back door, basking in the sunlight... it's freezing outside, but that spot in front of the door is warm and inviting, so that's where she is sitting. i envy that.

there are so many things i want to talk about... but my thoughts run like a wild stream... crashing and rolling over a hundred obstacles, but still flowing. i can't slow them down. i can barely tread into the water to try to understand why i am thinking about what i am thinking about.

i get this way when i get bombarded with estrogen-filled television or movies. it's what happens. i start watching, thinking i am in a settled, balanced place, and then BAM! i see what hollywood producers think love and life is (what a joke!) and i am forced into a place where i am thinking "why don't i have that?" and "how does she get her eyebrows so perfect? she was just in a major car crash!" of course, the logical, non-emotional side of me knows the answers. that shit doesn't exist! NO ONE has those love affairs that transcend the day to day life. NO ONE has those eyebrows! well, okay, the eyebrows are possible... but i digress!

i have been in a relationship for almost two years now... technically, for 31 years, but living as a couple, raising kids, owning a dog, taking the trash out, that kind of relationship for almost two years. i love this man. he is funny, gorgeous, a real tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy. he is amazing. he is the most kind and compassionate man i've ever met. he will give you the shirt off his back (especially if you have a camera!) and give you his last dollar if it means your life would be better for it. i love that about him. he chooses to be with me, and i trust that. there are at least a dozen women out there who would love nothing more than to be with him. and they try. and he still chooses me. that is very gratifying. it's a derek and meredith thing. i don't hate any of these women (and one guy!) and in fact would welcome them into my flock of friends, but the complications are too great.

i don't know why i wrote that first. that is always on my mind, of course. but i've resigned myself to the truth that is for now, he is mine, and i am his, and it is all good... clearly, my subconscious has some other issues...

anyway... i recently learned that my ex(almost ex) husband has been trying to open accounts with my information, excel energy, pay pal, a credit card.... he's a friend of a lot of my friends on facebook, and i've resisted the urge to call him out on his shit in that arena, as i am not that girl... but it is very draining. i can't fathom a reason in the world where i would pull the same things he is pulling. i am not a vindictive person, i do not want to see someone else suffer... but for all the good that i am, he has no problem at all doing it to me. i learned that i just have to breathe through it and not harbor ill thoughts about him... just sometimes, it's hard...

my girls are 14. in four short years, they will both be moving on... i can not even begin to express how sad that makes me. what are travis and i going to do without them here? i see us sitting on the couch during a commercial and looking at each other and honestly not having anything to say. that's scary. i love my girls. they are an endless source of laughter, frustration, joy, drama... they are my life. but i realized that i haven't even begun to prepare them for what is out there waiting for them. i have shared my experiences, good and bad... travis has shared his mistakes, his successes, his story... but how much they retain remains to be seen. i have no idea what i will do the first time they call and say something happened and i wasn't there to stop it. i have four years to give them all the tools... i don't even know where to begin. i do know one thing: they will have clean baseboards. how stupid is it that the thing the girls think about when they think of me is "are my baseboards clean?"

the cleaning of the baseboards is an ocd thing... i remember where i was when i first thought, "why don't people pay attention to the baseboards?" and ever since that day, it's been a compulsion of mine. i notice when baseboards are dusty more than i notice if someone has spinach in her teeth. baseboards are often forgotten, and rightfully so. they are not functional. they do not demand our attention. but somehow i have turned my girls into baseboard judgers. and mark my words, when they have their own place, cleaning baseboards will be a weekly chore. that's my legacy. the girls will put that on my tombstone: "here lies amy... mother, sister, daughter, best friend... may the baseboards of heaven be as clean as the ones in her house." that SUCKS. i need a new compulsion.

travis and i try to instill in our girls that ultimately, doing the right thing is the right thing. that no matter how awful someone is, there is something inside that person that deserves our respect. the turn the other cheek thing, the do unto others thing... and more often than not, we are right. but watching the girls realize what that means is heartbreaking. j comes home in tears and writes on her facebook how she wants to punch someone or a wall, how she's had enough... and i calm her down and travis tells her a story about when something like that happened to him, and ultimately, she hears how she's supposed to let it go and focus on bigger things. only, she's 14... those ARE the big things.

i remember the gum tree on the quad at feltwell middle school... it was an unassuming oak of some sort (conkers) and every student in the school for years has placed chewed gum on the trunk. and no one ever stopped us. and i don't think it did it any damage. but it was what we did. i don't know why i thought of this. i was going with the "what was important to me at 14" thing and the tree came up. i had my second kiss at that tree... the tree was right outside the english building, so ms. bayer's class looked out at its colorful, unhealthy display every day. we walked by it 100 times a week, casually glancing at how many different ways it had been defiled. no one ever thought that we should care. i think if anyone had tried to take it down, we would have revolted. that was really important to us. or at least, i think so.

i think back to that tree and am reminded of the last days of innocence for so many of us. at feltwell, we were physically separated from our parents' jobs, away from the high school, away from town... we were on an island. then we got out of 8th grade, and moved into a slightly less protected world. some of us started using drugs. some of us started having sex. some of us (me) did neither. my girls are already faced with making those decisions... and when they stop, in hollywood style, and the music fades, and everything slows down, and they have to make that critical decision, i imagine they see me and travis like the angel and devil on their shoulders... "don't make the same mistakes i made" says travis... "look at the baseboards, are they neglected? you know what that says about someone? if they can't clean the baseboards, what else aren't they cleaning?" that's great... just when i want to be the most influential, i have somehow focused on the most inane thing ever. what is wrong with me?

i can only hope that my girls understand at some point that i meant well. i hope that travis doesn't ever regret his choosing me... i hope hell's baseboards are not dusty. (because i know i'm headed there and not the other place. i mean, how can someone who can turn two mostly normal girls into baseboard judgers go anywhere else????)

i love my life. i do. i love my friends and family, and my crazy dog. i had to bathe her today because she got too close to the neighbor's dog and he peed on her. yeah. she didn't have the forethought to think, "hey, that stuff is coming from inside that dog... maybe i should get out of the way." no, instead, i imagine her thinking "oooooooh purty!!!!"

once again, completely off track. *sigh* gonna go sit in the sun with ella. i have a better view of the baseboards from there.