Fake Plastic Trees

first of all, a shout out to Radiohead for getting me through my day...

i saw this band in 1995 with my best friend in the whole world. we went to see the Monster tour (REM) and Natalie Merchant and Radiohead opened. i don't remember much about the show, except it was the same year that alanis morrisette's album came out, and we listened to it on the way to the show... and we ate at a restaurant that reminded me of an old pub that was on the way to her house when we lived in england. i wish i could remember the show. i know they did this song... (which is now on repeat on my playlist...)

i wish a lot of things about things in my past. i wish i would have spent more time with anne... i miss her so much. we got into some crazy things when we were younger. we get into crazy things whenever we get together... hell, we've gotten drunk, gotten tattoos, gotten married to less than desirables (the significance in order there is important), laughed until various beverages came out of our noses, made up stories and perpetrated them until we had to ask if they could really be true... every time i get together with her, i am refreshed and renewed.

the last time i saw her was at the denver reunion. it was a terrible time for me. i was frazzled and unorganized and unfun. i have good reason. i had moved to denver the day before. and my husband at the time was, well... we won't go there. i do remember WANTING to have a good time, i remember WANTING to do a lot of things. but what i remember most is that anne was so gracious and accommodating, and never blamed me for anything. that's who she is. she is faithful and honest and an incredible listener.

the times anne and i have gotten together to just sit and talk are among the times i treasure the most. i can tell anne anything. this is something we had to learn... at times in both of our lives, we've been afraid to call each other because of some unfounded fear of being judged. anne knows things i have done that no one else knows. and it's reciprocated. and she has never ever judged me (that i know about). that too is reciprocated. apart from killing my kid, i don't think there is anything that she can do that would make me love her any less.

i have always been envious of anne's ankles. that might have made a better opening line to this blog... but it's true. i want to have her ankles. or her mother's. either one. they are beautiful. anne is beautiful. she is full of grace and poise. we were on the dance team together, and i envied how easy she made every move seem. i could do maybe 45% of the moves, but she never made me feel bad about it. i wanted to be just like her. she was funny, skinny, smart, friends with everyone... i love that about her. i wasn't always kind to her in high school. and i don't know why that is. if i had known just how true a friend she was, i would have done things differently.

one memory i have is when a group of upper classmen put homemade magnets on my locker. these magnets had satanic symbols on them, and i was convinced it was a threat on my life. then the magnets appeared on anne's locker. instead of blowing it off as a harmless prank (as it turns out it was, of course) we had it in our heads that we were going to be jumped and killed by the scariest of scary... we reported it to the principal, we told our parents, we hatched escape plans and prayer circles. yeah, it was huge. i don't know why we were targeted. i do know i was trying to break into a circle of friends (aaron, kingsley, scott, fred, etc...) that i had no business trying to be friends with. they were seniors, for goodness sake. LOL never once did anne mention that perhaps we were over reacting. nope, she was in as deep as i was. we rode that sympathy train for a while, pushed our parents to break the "no sleepovers on school nights" rule, and after a while, it faded.

it was easy to get mad at anne... she was friends with people i wanted to be friends with. had inside jokes with people i could only wish wanted to have outside jokes with me. she got invited to the parties, i didn't. she didn't have to study for anything, i struggled. instead of realizing we would make a kick ass team, i let my envy cloud my judgment more often than not.

we had a lot of fun times barely breaking rules... we were late back from lunch almost every day. i had a car... sometimes, shhhh, you aren't going to believe this... sometimes, we'd go to shhhhh mildenhall at lunch. i know.... we didn't have any reason except to see if we could find "skinny white guy" or "hot SP guy" or "that chevy guy" we caught glimpses of earlier that week... OR... i know, this is going to shock you... we would turn on the Violent Femmes and scream "FUCK" at the top of our lungs while driving past the dorms. i know... rebels... "PENIS" was another favorite of ours. yeah, top of our lungs... i know. those were amazing times. i wish we could do that again.

we went to cambridge and bury st edmonds a lot. mostly boy watching. and the two of us could flirt like no one you've ever met. in fact, in The Hague, we managed to get a group of 8(?) irish guys to follow us around like we were the naked pied pipers... that was us. i've never laughed as much as i ever did when i was with anne.

perhaps that's why she's on my mind so much today. i cried twice today. i was so frustrated at something so stupid at work that i couldn't handle it. and the second time, i cried because something i had a hand in creating actually worked. i love that. and instantly, i wanted to share both things with anne. anne and travis... and i couldn't pick up the phone to call either. so i turned on fake plastic trees, and realized that sometimes, everything just wears me out.

anne, my eternal friends tattoo is such a small symbol of how i really feel about you. i love you.