If I have ever been more confused and unsettled, I can't remember it. I feel as if I am adrift in a raft on the open sea. I can see solid ground on the horizon, but like some bizarre hollywood movie effect, it just seems to get farther and farther away. I've long since given up trying to get there. It seems like the harder I tried, the more unrecognizable the solid ground became. It is a beautiful oasis, that solid ground. It is full of life, and love, and everything i've ever tried to achieve... my friends are there, although I can't make their faces out, I know they are there. There are some days that the light is right, and the haze is gone, and I can almost make out all the boundaries of the oasis. There are more days, however, where I can just barely make out the outline. So I just sit in my crudley made raft, and wait for the the tide to take me in...
I stood in line today, waiting in front of two men, who I eventually let get in front of me, only because I felt bad that there were going to be 10 people joining me shortly, and I didn't want to piss them off. That's pretty normal for me. I try my hardest not to piss anyone off. I have only been pissed a handful of times, but hated the feeling enough not to want to have anyone achieve that because of me. In any case, these guys, in their mid 20s, had some very interesting insights about the people around us. Especially the unhappy children. “people shouldn't have unhappy children. Procreation should not include producing unhappy babies. They suck.” I laughed out loud about that. When they got in front of me, I noticed that the shorter of the two had dreads, and had them tied back with a hello kitty hair tie. Something tells me this one isn't ever going to have an unhappy child.
My older sister is an unhappy child. Well, all appearances point to this conclusion. Although I haven't heard her say it to me, she has told my children that her whole life has been miserable. Well, her whole life after she turned 4. that is when I was born. She claims my parents never cared for her after I came along. So who knew, that as an infant, I had the ability to ruin someone's life? Is that some kind of super power? Should I register that as a weapon? My sister told my brother-in-law that my parents like me best, that I am a hard worker, and never do anything wrong. I've never heard my parents say those things, and I am a hard worker. But I won't apologize for that. She went on to say to my bil that his wife, our little sister, married well, and that was another reason why my parents loved her more than my older sister. Again, i've never heard my parents say anything of the sort.
I had the very unique and blessed experience of living with my parents as an adult, and I believe we became more friends than parents-child.... my mother shared things with me that I don't believe she would have shared with a daughter. My father and I had conversations and debates as peers. I ultimately moved out (against their judgment) and miss the friendship more than the parental relationship. My parents are cool as hell. Neither one came from an ideal home as children. My mom was orphaned by the time she was 11, and my father was one of 5 kids in a very conservative, emotional void of a home. Somehow, however, they managed to produce normal (relatively speaking) children. And one very unhappy child.
Life is too short to hold on to the past and let it dictate your future. That is one of my fundamental beliefs. Shit, Travis and I have a rule that if something happened over a week ago, it's not legal to bring it back up. Build a bridge and get over it. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Let it go. Without these cliches in my head all the time, i'd be a wreck. There are times, here, adrift in my makeshift raft, that I do go further back. And that's usually when the fog rolls in and I can't see where i'm headed.
There are questions I want answers to. There are things I want apologies for. There are people I want to stand in front of and tell how I feel. I've had some things happen to me that were never brought to justice. There are lies i've been told that have never been addressed. There are secrets that I will never know. And for reasons that have absolutely no bearing on my future, I keep a hold of those things. Most of the time, they are in the back of the closet of my mind, and I don't pull them out. But i've had a lot of alone time on my hands lately, and both literally and figuratively, i've been cleaning out the closets. Here comes the laundry list....
in 2006, I had a hysterectomy. I was 31. I was told I had stage 0 cervical cancer, and since i'd already had my tubes tied, I might as well get rid of the additional baggage. I was scared and alone. I took this doctor's words as gospel and had the surgery. When recently, I had cause to reread my medical records (as a result of over 52 weeks of random pain and weight loss) there was no mention of cancer. Interesting, no? I forget his exact words, but it boiled down that every 3 months, I had abnormal tests and it would be more cost effective to remove unnecessary parts. That is very interesting to me. I'd like to see this doctor again and slap him. Who knows if i'd have been in pain for the last year if i'd just left the unnecessaries in place? And then on the other hand, if I had, and it had been cancer, I could be worse off. So that's one of those things that could go either way for me, so I choose to leave it alone. Back to the closet shelf.
Two years prior to the surgery, I was raped. Yup. I put myself in a situation where I was drinking at someone's home with a bunch of people I didn't know. Beer pong, spiked drinks, lots of beer... and I ended up at a different home, waking up in pain and scared. I remember calling a few people during the night begging for them to come get me. One was too drunk to drive, one had just dropped acid and couldn't drive, and the other just flaked and didn't answer his phone. I should have called the police. Instead, the next day, I went to the doctor, reported it, and started the long road to forgiving myself. I attempted to file a police report, only to find out that one of the assholes was the chief's son. The detective came to my work to take my statement, then said, “it's your word against his. And he says you were pretty into it. We will bring your parents, your child, your co-workers, your friends into court to give character references. Do you really want your daughter to hear what a whore you are?” Nice, huh??? yeah, i'd like to meet that detective and the assholes and shoot them all. I spent a long time angry at the people who didn't come rescue me that night. I didn't understand how I was so unimportant to them that they'd leave me in that situation. Ultimately, though, it was my fault for putting myself in that situation. My girls know the story. They know that my mistakes lead to me being in the place of not having anyone to be there, and although the rape itself was not my fault, I put the cards in motion. Back in the box. Back in the closet.
I left a job in maryland that was awesome. I worked with great people, and felt every day that I was making a difference, and I loved it. It paid well. It was my second family. I never should have left. I am still in touch with the people I worked with. And although it's been three years, I am told they would still take me back. I am making half of what they'd pay me, and right now my commute is 2 hours, and there it would be maybe 20 minutes. Do I think about going back? Hell yes. Being closer to my parents, making more money, making a difference in a job that I kick ass at? I'd be stupid not to consider it. Just over two years ago, the offer was there, too. I texted Travis the day the offer came and asked him to convince me to stay in colorado. He did. With two words. “the word” was all he wrote. And i've been here ever since. This is something that I should shut back up and put away right now, and not go into it anymore. This is what brings the fog the most quick. Back.....in.....the.....
i've always run away from my problems. I'm not going to lie. When James told me he didn't like being married to me anymore, instead of demanding counseling, I moved to live with my parents. When Eric and my parents started fighting, even after he put his hands on me in anger, instead of dealing with it, I came to colorado. When things at the house in strasburg started getting bad, instead of dealing with the issues between the sisters, I moved into town. I run. I'm a runner. And things are getting bad here. My job is not as fulfilling as I would like. I am not making enough money to survive. I am still ill. My first impulse is to pack up and move back to where I know things were better. Yup. I said it. I think about it every day. I could be making 6 figures now, have myself out of debt, and be with my parents. I didn't have many friends in MD because I was going to school and working all the time, but I could make friends. It is a 25 hour car trip. Everything I own can fit into a medium sized Uhaul. I could be there by monday. Only, there are so many people that would suffer because of that decision. The girls mostly. Honestly, I don't think Travis would care the way I want him to... he'd lose custody of his daughter, have to move, and that would be annoying to him. I just don't feel like right now, it would kill him to have me leave. I think he's here because it's convenient and it makes sense for the girls. I don't think he loves me the way I need to be loved. That's not to say he doesn't love me with all he has, just that i'm not feeling that important.
BACK TO THE CLOSET WITH YOU, EVIL THOUGHTS..... can't go there.... sorry
recently, a co-worker has become my friend. He's cool, a little crazy, a lot like me... he's quickly moving up my ladder of “i'd walk through fire for you” friends. Let me back up. Those of you who know me, know I have a pretty shitty self-image. I weigh 115 pounds, but when I look in the mirror, I see a beached whale. I notice every single flaw in my skin, I notice how small my chest has gotten over the last year, I notice the stretchmark scars,,,, that's all I see when I look in the mirror. So when (we'll call him Jack) Jack started working in my office, I imagined he saw me the way I see me. we”ve worked together for almost a year now. We have a good working relationship. He's funny and smart, and I know if I have a question, he'll help me find the answer. And he reciprocates. Recently, he's been going through some personal stuff that he shared with me. That made me feel good, that Jack would trust me enough to confide in me. And we have that kind of relationship where I can tell him he's being an asshole, or that he needs to man up... And he says the same to me. But something he said the other day (hasn't been a week, so I can bring it up!) has me thinking. He said, “you do know how hot you are, right?” and I had to disagree... then last night he said that I could get anyone I wanted. Again, I disagree, but it's nice to think someone thinks so! LOL... he's good people, and I am very thankful for his friendship...
okay... i've been at this for over an hour and my ADD is kicking in... I can't remember where I was going with this rant.... all I know is that I don't know where I am, I don't know where I am going, and I have no clue who is going to be there when I get there... i'm scared.
No comments:
Post a Comment