reevaluating my very existence

my life is great. complicated but fulfilling and full of grace. i learned recently that grace is not what i've always imagined it was, but rather that which is given to you unconsciously from those with whom you share your life.
pausing to put some organization to my thoughts so i don't forget what i want to say...
*trust
*recent reads
*favorite movie (missing her so much i almost couldn't breathe)
*job
*failed and failing relationships
*desires fulfilled and unfulfilled
*what i see myself doing in 5 years, and how that's changed
*scary thoughts
*failing myself

okay...

so trust. heavy. i have no reason not to trust every single person in my life. except i don't know that i deserve the trust people have in me. not that i am a deceiving, or coniving. but my mistrust of other people means i watch to see if i can pick up any little bit of deceit in their words or mannerisms. and so i find myself anxious and stressed having even the littlest of conversations with those people i love the most. i don't know why i have developed this horrible affliction. i wish i could free myself from it. the problem is that this little flaw of mine has proved to be right more times than not. it's not been like i mistrust someone only to find out i am overreacting. more often, it's that i get this feeling, and when it comes to a head, i find out i am right. so what do i do with this? i used to be very naive, taking everyone for what they said they were. i am not sure when this changed. it wasn't just something that changed with one cosmic event or happening. maybe if i knew the one thing that changed my perspective, i could identify, analyze, and move on, leaving this awful affliction behind me.

i think i am going to come back to this topic later...

*recent reads*
i used to read books all the time. i love books. i have books all over my house. hundreds of them. and i love the way books smell, and the magic they hold. i met someone recently who made me think that perhaps i should share my books, give them away after i've read them. that's too hard for me to consider at the moment. my books are part of me. but that's not what i wanted to talk about.
i am reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. i meant to pick it up years ago when she first published it. it never made it to my list, though. i picked it up again after meeting the same person i mentioned before when she lit up, almost animated, talking about how she loves reading, and how it helps balance her life. i was jealous. the very next day, i was at the grocery store and there was the book. so i picked it up. i LOVE how elizabeth gilbert writes. and it doesn't hurt that i have had many of the same internal conflicts she describes, and watching how she overcomes the depression is inspiring. i've been to italy and india, so those parts of the book are comforting to me, as i remember being where she's been. i am to the part where she is in bali, and i've always wanted to go there, even more so now. i am intrigued to try some of the things she tries in terms of yoga and meditation and prayer... part of why i am back to writing here. look at the dates of the previous blogs, it's been years. maybe if i start to heal myself, i can get through the rest of the ugliness in my life. who knows.

*favorite movie*
"you've got mail" is my favorite movie. i have always counted on this movie to cheer me up. i've secretly thought that i am like meg ryan's character. the ironic thing is that my sister IS meg ryan's character... (insert sibling rivalry commentary here) but the movie is written with such great references, and filmed in my favorite city of all time, that i find myself engrossed even with commercials and edits that take out some of the smaller pieces. i have even recently tried reaching out to the ether to find someone with whom to have a conversation like the one meg ryan's and tom hank's characters have. i have discovered, though, that here, in reality, men you meet on line (or pretty much anywhere else) are only after one thing. and that breaks my heart literally daily. i find myself quoting lines from this movie, dreaming about having her life... "there's the dream of some[thing] else" (she actually says someONE, but that's a whole nother blog). "missing [him] so much i can hardly breathe" (she actually says missing her, but i don't want to think about losing my mother).
i've always dreamed about living in a brownstone in the city, where i wouldn't need to have a car, and everything was at my fingertips, and i could get anywhere i wanted to go in no time. and who knows, maybe that will happen. but more likely, it will always just be a dream. like a lot of things in my dreams.

*job*
i recently started a new job. it's with a company for whom i've always wanted to work. i have lots of friends who work for the company. i've watched the company continue to grow despite the economy. i'm finally where i thought i always wanted to be. i took a $10K paycut, increased my commute by 60 miles, and am now spending 2 fewer hours at home. i love the music i listen to on my way, i am good at the job, but gave up a job with a shady company that was 7 miles from my house, and was making $10K more... why did i do that? was it a good decision? was it the RIGHT decision? what do i do with that?

*this is the most depressing part of the movie**

which is a pretty good segway into the next topic: failed and failing relationships...

i've been married twice. been in three other serious relationships, and am currently in a very complicated relationship. i have 2 best friends, several other friends for whom i'd walk through fire, and hundreds of people i could turn to if i needed anything. i have sisters with whom i am trying to fix a year's worth of ickiness. but i want to focus on my current complicated relationship.
i want to start by describing myself:
i am 35. i weigh 125lbs. i have long hair, blue eyes, and am pretty much otherwise average visually. i smoke, i drink,(i even do whiskey shots), i swear, i love football and hockey, i love music. i am very independent, can pay my own bills, mow my own lawn, hang pictures, take care of myself. i love to cook, keep a clean house, love sex. i have an insatiable sexual appetite. i don't like drama, i don't judge people. i go out of my way to be helpful, i am thoughtful, considerate, and generous.
(he just brought her flowers, in the movie... i love daisies... i haven't been bought flowers in over 10 years)... so i describe myself in those words because in the world of women, i think i'm pretty unique. maybe not unique, but at least cool. so all this being said, the man i am with, the man i think i love, he is looking for something else. i don't understand. i don't get it. and it breaks my heart. i am always one breath away (still) from crying. what is wrong with me that this man actually says to me, "i look for other women because i need my gut to confirm what my heart has always known" (or words to that effect) so if his heart tells him that being with me is right, why is it his gut not on board? what ELSE could he possibly want? i spend my alone time thinking and obsessing about this. and that inevitably leads me to my mistrusting behavior, and makes me start to plan my exit. the thing is, i don't WANT to leave. i want to trust that he'll come to his senses. but i don't want to live my life with someone who doesn't think i'm good enough. and in my path to becoming the person i am supposed to be, what else is there??? UGH...
i posted an ad on CraigsList last week. i was very clear that i had a boyfriend with whom i was happy. i said i was looking for someone (like the movie) who would pay attention to me. the responses were many. i said i didn't want a relationship, i didn't want to know personal things about the person i was looking for. i said i wanted a friend. the respondents were overbearing, have misinterpreted the ad and me into thinking that one phone call should lead to sex. and if i don't return a phone call, or answer a text or email, then i am an uncaring bitch. it's heartbreaking. not the heartbreaking that knowing my boyfriend is looking is heartbreaking, maybe more frustrating and annoying. i think i need a gay guy. someone who will pay attention to me, but not want sex. i am happy with my sex life with T. very happy. i don't ever want to get naked with another man. or at least, i don't want to think about it.

okay, just realized i was babbling. and that in babbling, my writing skills reverted to those of a angst-ridden teenager.

i have to stop writing now. i have a headache, i'm crying, and the movie is almost over...

more later... "i wanted it to be you so badly...."