The Titty Twister (it's a movie reference!!!)

"from dusk till dawn" - that's the place in the movie where everything gets twisted 180 degrees from where you expect. i'll come back to that.

the reference to twists actually began in my head a few days ago. i read "eat, pray, love" and found the way the author incorporated the various religions into her own spiritual journey to be very inspiring. i will give a little history:

i grew up in a methodist/protestant home. the military chapels were very full of political correctness and not so much, *i* felt, on the whole "build a relationship" side of religion. i found that to be offensive, actually. my apologies if i've already offended. but my life has always been grounded in the Chr-stian faith. when esk died, i got angry with G-d. very angry. shortly after (or maybe it was before... i didn't find out till years later, when i was searching for him to invite him to the reunion) that, bh took his own life, and hearing that made me even more angry. at the time, i was married to my first husband. i married him straight out of high school, and we have a beautiful daughter. he was not religious, nor did he support me going to church OR questioning my faith. it was very *ugh* for me to struggle like i did with trying to find answers. i did, finally, with the help of my former neighbor and friend, KB. she and her family invited me to go to a progressive church in roseville, ca. i came back to G-d at that time. i would weep (yes, literally weep) during worship, and took notes and wrote down every little jewel i heard. i went home and tried to talk to hubby #1 about it. eventually, his answer was "i don't know you, i don't want to be married to you anymore." gee, thanks! i am not angry, bitter, regretful, or anything really... it just sucked. but i decided to leave with a support network in place. turns out the church in roseville had a sister church in rockville, md. LOL i *JUST* figured out the irony there! LOL

so for the next 5 healing years, i attended the church in maryland. got "fed," got to "feed" (went on a great mission trip to st. vincent and the grenedines...) and grew in my faith. then there was the wallet incident, followed by the eric incident, followed by some bad feelings, and i stopped going. i miss it, though. and i didn't take my name off the email list, so i get to stay connected that way. anyway... i am going way around my ass to get to my elbow...

during the maryland years, i had the wonderful opportunity to join some fellow fabulousos on a trip to India. what i experienced there, with my open minded nature, has shaped me into the spiritual person i am today. i visited temples, watched ceremonies, witnessed a post-sacrifice, and got to see how faith in another world works. keep in mind (LOL, like you knew) that at that same time, i was working for the greatest firm in the world. a jewish firm whose president inspired me more than i've ever been able to tell him. i learned so much from everyone there. i gained a great respect for how their faith works.

throw into the mix my year at a baptist college, my 2nd marriage to a faith-vampire, and you get to last week...

i finished the book, and got to thinking about the beads. the 109 beads. and i've also been thinking about the reasons behind the buddhist prayer flags. and the rosary. and the book that EP carries and prays from... i got to thinking about what i'd want a constant, physical reminder to remember... so, in my ocd-control-freak-kinda-creative-but-a-little-over-the-top way, i've started a list. much like the book, i've decided to divide it into three sections: 36 things for which i am thankful. 36 things i'd like to accomplish in life. and 36 things i'd like to remember on a daily basis... obviously, some of these things would overlap. but back to the hyphenated description of myself, i have rules. i can't duplicate. wait, you say... even i can't do much mental math, there is one more bead/flag/reminder.... at this exact moment in time, i don't know what that bead/list item/flag will mean just yet. i am hoping it comes to me during this exercise... i imagine this will take me more than this blog, but who knows? maybe i'll get on a roll...

so here goes.

36 things for which i am thankful. (and i don't think these are in any particular order... that would take too much brain power...)
1. i am thankful i get to wake up in the morning and experience a new day
2. i am thankful i have full use of my eyes, my ears, my sense of touch, my sense of taste, and my sense of smell
3. i am thankful i have a home in which to wake up
4. i am thankful i have a job to which i go
5. i am thankful i have a working car
6. i am thankful i live in a safe neighborhood
7. i am thankful i have food to eat
8. i am thankful i have my best friend in the whole world with whom i get to wake up
9. i am thankful i have my daughters under the same roof
10. i am thankful i get the joy of having two other of trav's kids stay a couple nights a week
11. i am thankful i do not have to live in fear of leaving the house
12. i am thankful i have the freedom to choose NOT to leave the house
13. i am thankful for the technology with which i can communicate with my friends and family
14. i am thankful for my parents and my siblings
15. i am thankful my family has weathered many storms, but can still communicate
16. i am thankful my friends, who i neglect, will still pick up the phone when i call
17. i am thankful for the opportunities i had as a child
18. i am thankful for the lessons i've learned and the mistakes i've made (oooh, that was weird to write...)
19. i am thankful that even though i have had a lot of cool experiences, and been through storms, i can turn on a movie, and be moved to tears: that translates to i'm thankful my heart has never been completely broken
20. i am thankful for the tears i can shed with travis, as silly as they seem looking back: that translates to i'm thankful i have someone with whom i can be myself (regardless of how obnoxious, emotional, or just stupid i am being)
21. i am thankful G-d sees fit to bring the sun up in the morning and i get to experience it rising above the most beautiful mountains this side of india
22. i am thankful i have a tendency to forget bad things that have happened to me over the years
23. i am thankful i have anne to turn to when i do remember
24. i am thankful i am healthy
25. i am thankful my kids are healthy
26. i am thankful i still have the ability to make new friends
27. i am thankful i am still naive enough to believe everyone is basically good
28. i am thankful G-d puts people in my life who i might not ever put there myself
29. i am thankful i am forgiven for all the stupid things i've done
30. i am thankful i get the opportunity to watch my girls experience things with the same wide-eyed enthusiasm i had when i experienced those things for the first time
31. i am thankful i have a sense of humor, and that most people get it
32. i am thankful i have grown up with the desire to try new things, and see the joy in the mundane
33. i am thankful my parents had the foresight to let me make my own mistakes, over and over and over
34. i am thankful i had the freedom to read the book that inspired this blog: this translates to i'm thankful i have the freedoms provided to me just because i am an american
35. i am thankful i have learned to appreciate arts and music and literature and other people
36. i am thankful i was given the opportunity to pass on my knowledge and experiences to someone(s) who will indeed make the world a better place


36 things i want to accomplish in life
1. i want to walk hand in hand with travis on a white sand beach
2. i want to learn to play guitar
3. i want to go to mexico with anne
4. i want to see each of my friends again, with time to sit and really talk
5. i want to reconnect with my grandmother and the rest of the new york family
6. i want to reconnect with eric's parents and their friends/my friends, from whom i feel very estranged
7. i want to have jason take my picture again
8. i want to meet owen wilson (this is MY list... but this even breaks my rule, unless you know the story)
9. i want to go skydiving
10. i want to go to africa
11. i want to meet someone for whom something i said or did made a difference
12. i want to be out of debt
13. i want to visit my parents often
14. i want to learn not to take things for granted (like living with my parents for 7 years as an adult-ish)
15. i want to learn a foreign language
16. i want to teach my girls to love life, and kick that off by traveling back to the uk
17. i want to write a book worthy of reading
18. i want to see bangkok and calgary, preferably with travis (deathcab for cutie reference)
19. i want to give back to the people who made a difference in my life
20. i want to have the opportunity to tell certain people how much they mean to me
21. i want to apologize to some people for stuff i did
22. i want to quit smoking
23. i want to look in the mirror and see me the way travis sees me
24. i want to see our military members come home to the respect they deserve
25. i want to make a difference in my community
26. i want to write letters more often
27. i want to develop an attitude of trust toward those people i love
28. i want to read all the books ms. uram, mr. albert, mr. bryan, and mr. mcgowan told me to read (thankfully, i stole most of them, so i have them!) (see #20)
29. i want to sit on the roof of a building and watch life go by
30. i want to exercise on a regular basis
31. i want to learn to make baked alaska
32. i want to GO to alaska
33. i want to leave a legacy of compassion for my girls
34. i want to see all my "kids" happy, healthy, and in the best position to have a fabulous life
35. i want to take piano lessons again
36. i want to travel back to india, this time with the girls and travis


36 things i want to remember on a daily basis
1. i want to remember i am here for a reason
2. i want to remember i am not perfect
3. i want to remember i am loved by many
4. i want to remember to be patient, not everything has to be accomplished this minute
5. i want to remember life is a gift, and sharing it with someone is a special gift
6. i want to remember that every minute has the opportunity to leave a lasting impression
7. i want to remember that many lives were sacrificed in order for my freedom
8. i want to remember my grandmother struggled without a husband and with 5 kids
9. i want to remember my mother didn't have a mother to call when she needed to vent, or brag, or cry
10. i want to remember my father attended the USAFA, but his life was not ideal
11. i want to remember that when anne doesn't call, it sometimes DOES mean she needs me to pick up the phone
12. i want to remember that sometimes, him making the coffee IS him telling me he loves me
13. i want to remember that the ability to make it through the day is up to me
14. i want to remember to always tell people what they mean to me, because you never know if you'll see them again
15. i want to remember jealousy is more dangerous than cancer
16. i want to remember to be quiet sometimes
17. i want to remember G-d reveals h-mself to us in some of the oddest ways, i need to keep my eyes open
18. i want to remember to never go to bed without telling the girls goodnight
19. i want to remember that because i want it, doesn't mean i should get it
20. i want to remember that my job is just my job, and that my real purpose (as *i* see it) is to be the best mom i can be
21. i want to remember that a smile can be the difference between life and death for someone at some point
22. i want to remember that tomorrow is NOT guaranteed, so that means if i don't vacuum today, it's fine... oh wait... i was supposed to vacuum!!
23. i want to remember to be kind and patient
24. i want to remember i am where i am supposed to be
25. i want to remember that G-d didn't intend for us to be solitary creatures
26. i want to remember that the grace i am given should be passed along
27. i want to remember to not be scared to try new things, go new places, and meet new people
28. i want to remember to take the time to help those who need it
29. i want to remember it only takes a minute to make a memory
30. i want to remember that regret, like jealousy, is a waste of time
31. i want to remember i deserve the love of a good man, and should not push it away
32. i want to remember i am not the best mom in the world, but i had a great example, and should lean on that
33. i want to remember i have been given certain talents and should not keep them to myself
34. i want to remember to take care of myself first
35. i want to remember G-d doesn't need me to be in a church in order to worship him
36. i want to remember those in the world who don't have anyone to remember them



okay, that was easier than i thought... i bet i could do 108 in each category...

but for the 109th bead... it didn't reveal itself to me...


so, let me know what you think... i'm genuinely interested. i was thinking about making prayer-like flags... or buying some beads... candles like in catholic churches?


hmmmm....

tired. bed-bound